


Disobey

by crackernow



Series: Obedience [1]
Category: Disobedience (2017), Disobedience - Naomi Alderman
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, Disobedience, Disobedience (2017) - Freeform, Disobedience movie, F/F, Lesbian Character, Love, Naomi Alderman, Ronit x Esti - Freeform, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-07 09:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14668604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackernow/pseuds/crackernow
Summary: Three years have passed since Ronit left the small Orthodox Jewish community in North London, where she buried her father and left her lover Esti Kuperman.She thought she was moving on, until one day she receives a message from Esti. Surprised and excited, Ronit messages her back and they begin talking regularly, building upon the abandoned foundations of their relationship.Suddenly, the emotions Ronit believed were gone resurface and she finds herself again on that rollercoaster with Esti, exploring new challenges and ultimately facing her biggest sacrifice.





	1. The Message

**Author's Note:**

> [This is a fan fiction based on the events of the movie, not the book - I just felt the movie leaves more for the imagination, and I wanted to tie up lose ends for myself.
> 
> As the movie is still due to come out in some countries, this will contain *SPOILERS* for those who haven't seen it.]

It had been three years since I left Stamford Hill, three years since I left that melting pot of stress, coercion and sin, three years since I had spoken to Esti. A few months afterwards, when I had processed everything that happened in those short weeks, I tried to reconnect. I called Dovid but he had clearly moved house or had his phone disconnected, either way I couldn’t get through to him. I subscribed to a monthly newsletter made for parents of the _Bais Yaakov_ school that Esti taught at, but it was useless and terribly written. I had even sent emails to Fruma and Moshe Hartog, but the ones they replied to were short and uninformative. Moshe had kindly signed off his last email with ‘…and don’t contact us again’. At that point I was just relieved that I didn’t have any more elderly relatives to bury, and I gave up. I was done with the community, for good this time. Whatever happened to Esti and her child, it was her business and I was happy for her.

I know it sounds cliché, but I threw myself into my work. I was picking up shoots all over the country. My boss, Scott, would throw out job requests in meetings that were in California, Texas, Florida, Hawaii, Virginia. I flew all over, I shot all different types of people and I absorbed their stories, their backgrounds and their struggles in the images I was taking. I was capturing more than just their image; the camera lens saw something deeper. Their stories were conveyed in the slight of a smile, the squint of an eye or the twitch of a finger. With every snap of the shutter, and every development in the red room, I started to forget.

And it had been that way until I returned home from a shoot in North Carolina. I had been shooting four sets of identical twins with Billy the intern; we were the only two who had volunteered for the trip, as it was over Fourth of July weekend. Billy was arrogant, immature but strangely charming. He was in his early twenties and his father owned one of the magazines that always used our agency. I had come up with the idiom ‘Billy the intern’, and the rest of the office loved it, but we never said it to his face.

The eight twins we met with were all stunning in their own right, and each set gave an ironically unique twist to our photoshoot. It was a whirlwind trip, we landed in NC late on Thursday evening, I had a drink and went to my hotel room, though I’m sure Billy stayed up later because the next morning his eyes were red and puffy. We shot all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday and left for New York on Sunday evening. As irritating as he was in the office, Billy was professional and proactive on the trip, I made a note to tell Scott on Tuesday.

That Sunday night, after the longest taxi journey from the airport, the fireworks had already started. I’d grabbed myself a Chow Mein and cashew chicken from the Chinese takeout on the corner of Foster Street, stumbled home and crawled into my bed. My apartment was an airy, spacious studio; my sanctuary. The front door opened up into the living room and the newly decorated kitchen. My bedroom and en-suite were nestled away behind the furthest door to the right, and the study was, well it’s best not to mention the study. It was an abomination, a clattering mess of everything I’d given up on for the past… however long I’d lived here. I daren’t go in there until I have an entire, undisturbed week to myself, thirty black bags and unrelenting willpower.

I was scrolling mindlessly through Twitter, shoveling noodles into my mouth when it happened. A little blue notification in my messages popped up. It wasn’t rare that this happened, my name had been getting out there. I had been making an impact in my field, and only a few months back I had been nominated for, and won, the ‘Female Photojournalist of the Year’ award, so naturally offers were rolling in. I clicked on the blue circle and almost choked on my Chow Mein. It was a message from @EstiKuperman.

_Hello Ronit._

That was it. That’s all she’d written. Christ, what do I say back to that? Was it definitely Esti? What if someone was playing a joke on me? I clicked on the profile; no photo, no bio, no tweets, nothing. By the time I’d put my food on the floor, another message had popped up.

_I’m not sure how this works. I hope these messages send._

They were sending Esti, I thought. They were definitely sending. I sat there for a few minutes, the fireworks outside picking up their pace, exploding in the night sky. I typed and retyped and retyped messages back. In the end, I settled with:

_Hello Esti, long time no speak! I see you’ve entered the twenty-first century!_

I waited, phone in hand, for half an hour. The news on the television rolled over and I heard the same headlines again and again. An hour, two hours passed. The fireworks had stopped, but I still heard shouting and laughter on the street. Where had she gone? I clicked on the message I had sent; ‘Sent’. I checked my watch, if she was in London, she would have sent her first message at 2:03am. What was she doing up at that time? She must have fallen asleep by now. I rested against my pillow and thought that I had better sleep too. I turned over and closed my eyes, the television glare filled my room with light and the smell from the Chinese misted the air. I don’t know at what point I fell asleep, but I know that after three years my head was suddenly filled again with Esti.

I woke up the next day, my mouth was gluey and tasted rancid. But before brushing my teeth, I grappled for my phone. Still no messages. Did I dream it? I followed the trail to my message folder, and there they were. Sitting there, staling like bread with each minute that passed. Maybe it was a prank, someone from Stamford Hill playing a joke on me. What an idiot I was to think Esti would contact me, on Twitter of all places. I scowled at myself and peeled out of bed and into the shower. With the hot water pouring over my head and running down my back, I thought about what I needed to do that day. I needed to get groceries, upload the photos from NC, edit, send some emails, linger over the messages from Esti some more, because let’s be honest, I was definitely going to do that.

The whole day was spent trying to run errands with a constant hook in the back of my neck. I couldn’t pick up a bag of tomatoes in the grocery store without feeling phantom vibrations and checking my phone. I got home, made a salad and forced myself to put my phone away. I was chewing on spinach and becoming engrossed by the photos of the twins when my phone buzzed, for real this time. I leapt across the sofa for it, but it was a text from Billy.

_Did you take my 17-85 lens?_

I sighed with disappointment and then again with frustration. I pulled my camera bag to me and rooted through the compartments. I was about to send an angry text back accusing Billy of not taking care of his things when I saw two 17-85 lenses sharing one space in my bag. One of them had a peeling white label on, with the initials ‘B.T’ scribbled on in biro.

_Yes, sorry. Must have picked it up by accident. I can bring it in tomorrow._

He replied instantly.

_I’m away this week, going to Fort Lauderdale with fam. Can I swing by and grab?_

Of course he was.

_Sure, I’m Apartment 10, 837 Foster St._

_Cool, thanks. I’ll leave now._

Billy showed up in fifteen minutes, and I was feeling sorry for myself, so I invited him inside. We looked over the photos together and drank wine. We talked, and he distracted me from my other intruding thoughts. His long legs stretched out from the sofa and onto the rug, and his upper body was turned towards me. I could smell his cologne spreading through my apartment. I decided to cut off our drinking after the third glass. I was susceptible to making terrible decisions, and I felt this sliding towards something I’d regret in the morning.

‘What time are you off in the morning?’ I asked, whilst clearing the glasses and bottles away.

‘We’re leaving around midday.’ Billy said, stroking his strong jaw. ‘You wanna go out?’

I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘It’s 11:30, I’m going to bed.’ I shouted from the kitchen. ‘You young people think it’s all fun and games, but when you hit 35, it’s all downhill.’

Billy had followed me into the kitchen, he was laughing. ‘Thirty-five isn’t old, Ronit.’

‘You haven’t felt the hangover of a thirty-five year old yet. Also, I have work in the morning, unlike some.’

Billy conceded with a bit more force, and eventually he and his camera lens were gone. And I was alone again, in bed by midnight. It would be 5am in England, where I assumed Esti was. I must stop thinking about her, but I couldn’t. And it continued like that.

In the mornings I checked my phone before I stretched, meetings were spent checking my phone screen and not taking notes, evenings where I should have been eating or meditating or exercising transformed into writing imaginary messages that I would never send to @EstiKuperman. Esti was like a slow-burning, peat fire; gently simmering under the surface until one day she’d burst upwards and engulf me in flames.

The Wednesday after she had sent the message, I finally summoned the courage to send a message back.

_How have you been?_

It was weak, I knew that. But I thought it might spur on conversation, or at least get whoever was teasing me to weave a more fun prank that I could enjoy. I put my phone down and drank some coffee and gazed at my screen. It was five o’clock, and I still had about twenty emails to get through. I clicked ‘Reply’ on a boring exchange that I had been dragged into and started to write when my phone buzzed.

_I’ve been well. I didn’t realise you had sent another note. This is all very confusing._

Jesus Christ, it actually was Esti. My heart both sank and swelled. I imagined her sitting there, new technology in her hands, not knowing how to use it. I felt a surge of sympathy and forgot all about the unwritten email in my Drafts.

_That’s okay, don’t worry._ I typed with sweaty hands. _It’s been so long, how are you? Would it be easier to email?_

_Maybe. My email address is_ **EstiKuperman2@hotmail.co.uk** _I think. I’ve just got a new phone (can you tell?)_

I laughed, I couldn’t help but laugh. I was talking to Esti, after three years she was here in my DMs. I laughed more. I sent an email to the address she’d given me, and I didn’t receive a failed delivery notification immediately. 

_I just sent you an email. Let me know if you get it._

_My phone made a different noise, so I assume that means I did._

I laughed again, and then I received an email.

_This is much easier, I know how to do this. Ronit, it’s so good to finally speak with you. I saw you in a magazine I was reading a month ago. Congratulations on your photography award, I was so proud of you. I got a new “smart” phone, I downloaded “Twitter” and out of the blue I searched for you and then found you. I wasn’t sure whether to message or not. Are you still living in New York? How have you been? Love, Esti._

_Esti,_ I started, trembling slightly and perspiring. _I’m glad you find it easier to_ _email. I’ve been well, still in New York. I’m so glad you found me, I tried getting in touch after I left but I couldn’t find any numbers or address for you. What are you doing now? Are you still in London? Love, Ronit._

We continued emailing until seven o’clock, when Esti said that she had to go to bed. But in those two hours I had learnt a lot. She was still teaching in London, but not in an Orthodox Jewish school. She had moved into a flat in East London with her son, Daniel, who had just had his third birthday. He is going through his ‘difficult stage’, as Esti called it, but she adores motherhood. Dovid sees him several times a month, but Dovid is remarried now, to a ‘perfectly normal non-closet case’, as Esti described her. Esti was seeing someone but they had ended it a while back, due to Beth wanting to ‘move in too soon’. Esti had said she was contemplating a late summer holiday before school started again in September. _Well, isn’t the choice obvious?_ I said. _New York!_

She sent her last email back, and at the end she had written: _I’ll look into New York. Love, Esti._

 


	2. The Offer

It was Saturday morning and I hadn’t heard from Esti in a few days. I’d written several draft emails, but I didn’t want to seem desperate, so I didn’t send anything. Although I always think that by the time someone worries they will appear desperate, they’re already halfway there.

I told myself that I’d wait for Monday, then I’d send the email. Just a casual “Hey Esti, how's it going? Did you look into the New York flights? Don’t worry about a hotel or anything, I have a spare room for you and Daniel!”

And then I gave a thought to that fucking room and sunk under the weight of sudden personal responsibility. I’d have to clean it. Even if Esti and Daniel didn’t come, I would have to clean it eventually. So, I set aside the weekend to at least get started on it.

On Friday night after work I ran into _Whole Foods_ and grabbed bin bags, rubber gloves, child-safe cleaning products and a pot of ready made chicken and quinoa salad for dinner. I was just about to pick up some eggs for breakfast when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

‘How do you like your eggs in the morning?’ Asked a familiar deep voice. I turned abruptly, I didn’t like being approached in public. I always hated running into people I knew when I was out. But thankfully it was only Billy.

‘Oh, hello Billy.’ I peered around us both quizzically. ‘This doesn’t look like Fort Lauderdale.’

He laughed. ‘Just got back this afternoon genius.’ He reached over me and grabbed a carton of eggs.

‘Do you live close by?’ I asked, simultaneously placing eggs into my basket.

‘Yeah, renting a place on Grove Square. Me and a few buddies.’

He was so hopelessly American. He had floppy, blonde curls, a tanned complex and broad, muscular shoulders. He was wearing a ‘Cali 1966’ t-shirt and blue shorts; a pair of earphones dangled from the collar of his shirt, and I slowly noticed sweat patches all over him.

‘Been running?’

‘Hm? Oh, I just came from the gym.’ He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

‘What’re you up to tonight?’ He asked casually as he grabbed a whole chicken from the fridge we passed. ‘Looks like you’re wiping down a crime scene.’

‘It does look suspicious, doesn’t it? I am actually doing something very productive and grown up. I’m cleaning out my spare bedroom.’

‘Riveting.’ Billy said with a smirk. ‘I’d have preferred a grisly murder.’

‘Well you never know. I might go on a killing spree afterwards.’

Billy laughed. ‘You could come and see my friend’s band tonight instead, they’re playing at _Finnegan’s_. You know the Irish pub on Bleecker?’

‘I do, I know it well.’ A small part of me would have given everything to go and get drunk instead of tidying that room, but I knew I couldn’t put it off. Once I set my mind to something, it had to be done. ‘But I am actually oddly looking forward to cleaning my spare room.’

‘That _is_ odd. Well,’ and he stopped as we got to the checkout. ‘We’re having a belated Fourth of July party tomorrow night. I’ll text you the details in case you wanna... do something fun.’ He laughed again, white pearls stretching across his wide jaw.

‘Well, thank you. I’ll let you know. But my spare bedroom will be fun.’ I called after him.

‘Oh I bet it will be!’ He shouted over his shoulder as he stalked towards the chilled beers and wines.

I stared after him for a little while. Perhaps ‘Billy the intern’ wasn’t as unbearable as I originally thought.

I paid for my things and left, enjoying the short, balmy walk back to my apartment. When I got inside, I found I had enough energy to start clearing out immediately. I got to it, taking small breaks to eat the over-salted pot of quinoa and drink the rest of the wine from the fridge.

It was around 1am when I finished; I had only just made a dent and I didn’t even get close to using the cleaning products I’d bought. I had three full bags for the thrift store; clothes I never wore, dog-eared books I had finished and books that had never been read past the fourth page, handbags, jewelry and sweet but useless gifts I’d never broken the plastic seals on.

I also had created four bags of garbage that would go straight into the recycle chute or have to be shredded. There were old portfolios, documents from previous jobs that I’d never need again, failed prints and stacks and stacks of photos I must have taken when I was high or drunk or both. It was all rubbish, or trash as I should probably say.

I yanked off the yellow gloves that were beginning to itch and yawned deeply, when I caught a flash of purple buried under a pile of coats. I picked it from the rubble and realised it was the bag I had taken to London three years ago. I pulled it open and looked inside.

Apart from the regular things one would find at the bottom of a handbag, I picked out a train ticket, receipts from the kosher stores and bakeries I’d been to, a sole sympathy card (the only one I’d received I might add), and a hotel key card that I’d never returned. I suddenly felt a rush of emotion through my entire body and grabbed for my cell. I had been blasting Madonna for the past few hours and hadn’t checked it.

Of course, there was still nothing from Esti yet. That was fine. It was fine because I was going to follow up on Monday with her. I had her email address, and she had a smart phone now. She was plugged into the Matrix, just like the rest of the world. Maybe I ought to try and control my feelings somewhat, but I soon decided that that was a problem for future Ronit.

I was just about to throw everything back into the bag when I hesitated for a moment. I dropped my London bag into a half-filled trash bag and held onto the mementos from London. I walked into my bedroom and pulled open the bottom draw of my bedside cabinet, and placed them inside, along with the photo of my father’s grave, and the photos of Esti I’d taken in the hotel.

Was this creepy?

No, no, it wasn’t creepy. Was it? It would only be creepy if someone found it and didn’t know the context. Someone might ask why I had pictures of a Jewish man’s grave and a beautiful woman in the same place. And I would reply… “Well... it was the same trip. That’s my father’s grave, and that’s my lover in a hotel room, immediately after sex.”

That was hardly reasonable. I slammed the draw shut. It didn’t matter. The less I thought about that entire trip, the better. I think that’s why I was so excited about the prospect of Esti coming here, to New York. She would be a completely different person in a completely new setting. She must have changed so much. But I hoped, not too much. 

* * *

 

I woke up the next morning on my bed, fully dressed and drooling. I hadn’t even made it under the covers last night when I passed out. My skin smelt like mothballs and dust. I jumped straight into the shower, devoured some cantaloupe melon and an instant coffee and went straight back into the spare room.

I slaved for hours, ruthlessly culling anything of minor significance. By midday, I’d recovered some floor space. After some quick scrambled eggs and toast for lunch, I continued, and by 4pm, and several trips to the garbage bins at the back of my building and several sliced pairs of yellow gloves, the floor was completely cleared.

I opened the blinds and the light poured in. I could finally scrub the hardwood, the skirting boards, the plug sockets, everything. After another hour, it was spotless. Now all I needed was a bed, and a cot? Did three-year-olds sleep in cots or small beds?

Jesus, I’d have to figure that out another time. I gazed proudly at the room a moment longer, letting the clinical, citrus smell from the spray float in my nostrils. I turned off the light, staggered into the living room and flopped onto the sofa, rubbing my neck and shoulders. I’d actively been trying to avoid my phone, but I wrestled it from my pocket and opened it.

I had an email, from three hours ago. It was from Esti. I bolted upright and leaned into my phone as though I were trying to be absorbed by its glare.

_Dear Ronit, I hope you’re having a good weekend. I visited the travel agents today. New York is expensive isn’t it? I’m so sorry, but I’m not sure I will be able to afford it all for Daniel and me – I’m so disappointed. I might look into a trip to Europe, or maybe a few days along the south coast; I hear Brighton is nice in summer, and I think Daniel would like to visit the seaside. Maybe we could arrange something soon, I can save up properly then. Love, Esti._

And there it was. I physically felt her slipping through my fingers; the exhaustion in my muscles pounded against my bones and suddenly I was crying. Real, ugly, loud sobs; I let the tears spill down my cheeks as I rubbed my eyes, and then winced in pain as I felt the remnants of the cleaning spray stinging my retinas.

Through blurry eyes, I started to write back to her.

_Esti, it is expensive, but I don’t want you to worry about that. I have room here for you and Daniel. I’ll help you pay for the flights, and I’ll take care of everything this side. You never know, it might work out cheaper than Brighton. I don’t want your decision to be based on money. If you want to come to New York, we’ll make it work. Ronit._

I hit ‘Send’. God, what if she doesn’t even want to come? I’d been so worked up the past week that I’d mentally given myself a guarantee that she would visit. I was like a lovesick puppy, and I hated it.

Who knows when she’d respond to that email? I hope she doesn’t act all proud and noble and refuse my offer. Although, I had to admit that if I were in her position, I wouldn’t automatically grab for it.

She must have known it was going to be a bit expensive, surely. She’s not stupid; why did she say she’d look into it if she wasn’t even serious about it?

My phone buzzed. It was Billy. Of course. It’s always bloody Billy now.

_Hey, party tonight at ours. Apartment 25, Grove Sq. Bring booze, broads and bud!_

That was definitely a bulk text that he had sent out, and I’m not sure if he intended for me (essentially his boss) to receive that, so I waited a few minutes more for the inevitable follow up.

_Hey Ronny, party tonight at Apartment 25, Grove Sq tonight, if you’re not having too much fun with your spare room ;) (ignore that last text would ya?)_

I chuckled, which was welcome light relief.

_The room’s finished, I think I’ll come along._

I sent the text and then immediately called _Curry Leaf_ , my local Indian delivery place, ordering a vegetable biriyani and peshwari naan bread. I had been mindlessly watching television when it arrived. I ate more out of routine than hunger, the show I was watching didn’t keep me engaged and I was soon thinking again of Esti.

What would she think to my clamoring email, practically begging her to come? Would she think me pathetic? Or would she be delighted? Flattered even? Who knew? It was difficult enough to gauge her emotion at the best of times, let alone over email.

I didn’t bother showering when the time came to leave for the party. I brushed my hair and dragged on a dress because piecing an outfit together was a struggle. I pulled a bottle of Pinot from the rack under the marble sideboard in the kitchen, left my phone charging in my bedroom and went to catch a taxi.

I pulled up to the Square and immediately knew where to go. There was a hive of lights and sound on the second floor of a tall red-bricked apartment. I went to ring the buzzer, but the door had been propped open with a fire extinguisher.

I stalked up the stairs, a few rowdy boys stumbled past me on the stairwell, jeering, hooting and making lewd comments. The higher I climbed, the more I could feel the base thrumming in my heart and the stench of marijuana assaulting my senses.

I stopped.

What was I doing?

Going to a twenty-something house party because I felt sorry for myself?

Jesus Christ.

I turned around and grabbed the first taxi I could back to my apartment. I laughed in the backseat; the taxi driver looked at me as though I was mad.

When I got back to my home, I sent a text straight away to Billy.

_Can’t make it actually, have fun._

And then I saw an email, from Esti. I looked at the time, it was 3am in England, what was she doing?

I opened the email.

_Dear sweet Ronit, I can’t let you pay for all of that. But if you’re sure that Daniel and I could potentially stay with you, then of course we can come. As long as we’re not putting you out. You would tell me if it was an inconvenience, wouldn’t you? Love, Esti._

_Esti, of course I would. You and Daniel are more than welcome, there’s so much room here. Too much room, in fact. Get your flights, I’ll sort the rest. Love, Ronit._


	3. The Anticipation

Since Ronit’s last email, a familiar delirium had been fizzing in my stomach. The same feeling I’d had when I made the call about her father, the same feeling that had intensified when I saw her standing in my kitchen talking with Dovid, and the same fever which had erupted when she’d led me by the hand into that hotel room.

I suppose at some point I should admit to myself that it has been and would always be Ronit. Everyone I ever met was unknowingly and unfairly compared to her, and they never came remotely close.

I didn’t know what that meant, for my future or for Daniel’s; the fact I couldn’t seem to settle with anyone. I wanted him to have consistency, he deserved that. There was a time shortly after his birth _,_ I fell into a mental breakdown and I begged Dovid to take him away.

‘Please, please take him Dovid. He’ll have such a poor life with me.’ I’d spluttered into the handset, with Daniel the newborn wailing in the background. He was such a pure and innocent being, he didn’t need a mother like me. So displaced, so unsure. ‘I have nothing to offer him.’

But Dovid had been firm; the third or fourth time I’d called him, I could hear impatience laced around each word.

‘You are his mother Esti. You cannot abandon him.’

I knew the real reason he wouldn’t take Daniel from me. It was because of the cloud of shame I’d cast over him, and the entire community. It was better for everyone if I took the boy away, so that Dovid could start afresh; a new family, a new life.

Dovid visited us when he could. With me he would act bored and detached, but he always immersed himself with Daniel, so I forgave him. I knew that Dovid only had a fraction of what Daniel and I shared.

I held Daniel every night before he slept, I sang to him when he squalled, I stroked his forehead when he had a fever and most of all, I was privileged to watch him as he grew. It was a love that was as deep as the ocean, as unwavering as the sun rising every morning and setting every evening. He was my everything.

He was getting too big to hold before bed; he could toddle off by his own accord, which he often did these days. That made me sad at first, but now we were able to enjoy more together.

We sang all the time; his favourite song was ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat’. The way he’d squeal when we’d sing the last word together… well there was no other sound on earth that made me happier.

He told me nonsense stories with the few words he knew; and I could read to him, which was my favourite past time.

Dovid encouraged me to read him books intended for Jewish children, but I chose not to.

I told Dovid that he could read whatever he wanted to our son, and he made sure of it. He told me he was intending to raise Daniel to ‘at least be the half Jew that he is’.

‘Well,’ I said quietly during one of our sporadic bimonthly meetings. ‘I’m raising him with an open mind.’

‘And that is your choice, but he should learn about his heritage.’ Dovid’s scathing words sliced through Daniel’s adorable mumbling.

‘And that is your choice as his father. I will never stop you from doing that.’

And I never did. I would give Dovid and Daniel their time together; I would leave them in the flat for a few hours and go for a coffee, a peruse in the charity shops or a long walk.

The small two-bedroom flat we lived in overlooked Manor Farm Park, a huge expanse of green with a serene lake running directly through its centre.  

I would spend that time thinking of my son, and Ronit. Sometimes, when I was feeling practical I would think about my classes for the week, teaching plans and marking, but that wasn’t common.

 

Recently, I was sat among the rustling birch trees that swung gently in the breeze, and I smelt the mingling scent of dew, hay and soil and I felt an overwhelming yearning for Ronit.

That aroma always brought me back to a time when we were teenagers and she had kissed me in the tall white-grass field a few streets away from the Rav’s house.

We’d lay there for hours in the summer, after we’d pulled our thick tights off and rolled our skirts up at the waistband, giggling and enjoying the sensation of the cool earth on our skin.

Her fingers would lightly stroke up my leg, as her soft mouth found my own. We would explore each other until we could go no further. The translucent moon would always rise at the same point in the sky and that’s when we both knew it was time to go home.

On my walk home from that trip to Manor Farm, I had popped into a newsagent to collect some milk and bread when, for no particular reason, I looked at the magazines in the rack, which I never usually did.

And, as if by the power of god, I saw Ronit’s name on the front page of _Digital Photographer UK_. I hurriedly grabbed it from the shelf and flicked the pages until I found page 27. I saw her, stood shaking hands with another woman on a stage, beaming.

Isn’t it odd how life creates these little nuggets of fortune? It makes you wonder what we miss.

In Ronit’s picture, she looked past the camera, so I couldn’t pretend she was looking at me. But I still bought the magazine.

That reignited something, I think. Because for the next week or so, I was intent on finding out more about her life now.

The magazine article had pointed towards a social media site called Twitter and told you how you could contact Ronit and the company she worked for.

I thought it worrying, that her information was out there for anyone to find. But the more of the magazine I read, it seemed like everyone was doing it, and I suddenly felt very silly and old fashioned.

The next day, with Daniel struggling in his pram so desperately wanting to walk, I went into one of the high street mobile phone stores and asked for their cheapest upgrade. I’m sure the young boy behind the counter was stifling laughter at the archaic brick I handed him in exchange.

The phone I received was far beyond my capabilities. Although I did pick up the basics, and after a few days, I downloaded Twitter.

And now Ronit and I were talking, regularly. And I had just booked a holiday to New York. It was as if some magical dream I never wanted to wake from was coming true.

‘It was nice of you to ask me beforehand.’ Dovid said after I’d told him one Friday afternoon; he was helping Daniel eat his peanut butter sandwich while I folded laundry.

‘It’s for less than a fortnight. And I chose days that you weren’t coming to visit anyway.’ I retorted quickly; I had been expecting his reaction.

‘And how is Ronit?’ He called through to the poky kitchen.

‘Very well.’ I replied, not bothering to engage with him on his assumption. ‘We’re staying with her.’ I came back into the lounge with a packet of wet wipes and handed them to Dovid, who was laughing.

‘I thought as much.’ He paused for a moment, watching Daniel. Then his eyes lifted lazily to meet mine. ‘She is my cousin Esti, and blood is strong, but-’

‘Don’t do this Dovid. I’ve heard your warnings many times.’

‘She’s an Arctic tern.’

I scoffed. ‘I’m not in one of your sermons. I don’t need the Rav’s metaphors.’

‘She flies alone, our Ronit. She picks up, leaves others behind and fights only for her own survival. It is nothing against her, it is an admirable quality in some respects. But I don’t want you dragging him through-’

‘That’s enough Dovid.’ I spoke with a slightly raised voice, which I scarcely did. ‘Enough.’

Dovid raised his hands in submission, then wiped Daniel’s mouth. That afternoon he took Daniel to the park with his very pregnant wife, Shayna, while I shopped for our trip.

Ronit told me it can get hot in New York, so I was buying t-shirts and shorts for myself, which I still found unusual. To reveal my skin after so many years of hiding it, it was surreal.

I bought Daniel a puzzle book and crayons, a new teddy bear and more plane snacks than we’d ever need. When I got home, I pulled out a grey suitcase Dovid had leant me to move into the flat and started packing.

With each outfit I put into the case, exhilaration increased and pumped through my veins until I felt like I could float. Knowing the next time, I would wear these clothes, I would be with Ronit…

My thoughts were disrupted by a knock at the door; it was Dovid, Shayna and Daniel.

‘My darling boy!’ I held my arms out to Daniel, who jumped up at me.

‘We saw ducks! Daddy threw them bread!’

‘That’s wonderful! I hope it was kosher.’ I said with a grin, hoisting him onto my hip.

‘Very amusing.’ Dovid quipped, remaining in the doorway. Shayna barely looked at me; she was a mousy woman, with plain hair, a dull personality and monotonous voice.

‘Shayna, would you give us a moment?’ Dovid stated. Shayna bowed dutifully to her husband, ignored me but squeezed Daniel’s hand before turning on her heel.

‘Well,’ Dovid started. ‘I suppose I’ll see you both when you get back.’

‘We leave on Monday afternoon. And we’re back on the 10th August, I’ll call you.’

Dovid nodded. ‘I want you to take this.’ He said, thrusting a wad of notes into my hand.

‘Dovid, I can’t-’

‘It’s for Daniel.’

‘But you already give us-’

‘I know, but this is his first holiday. Take it, buy him something special.’

‘That’s lots of money!’ Daniel squawked, grabbing for the cash. I quickly moved it from his range.

‘Thank you so much Dovid. What do we say to Daddy?’ I asked Daniel.

‘Thank you Daddy!’ Daniel shouted, squirming in my arms. I put him down and he immediately dove for Dovid. They clung to each other, Dovid kissed Daniel’s cheek and bade him another goodbye.

And with that, Daniel tottered happily inside the house.

‘I’d better go and calm him down before bed.’

Dovid nodded again. ‘Have a good time, say hello to Ronit for me.’

‘I will.’

‘I hope…’ He blinked several times. ‘I hope there is no sorrow, after this trip.’

‘Thank you Dovid.’

With one final bob of his head, he walked along the outside of the estate and down the stairs to the carpark, where Shayna was waiting loyally.

* * *

 

The weekend before our flight went quickly, and soon it was Monday. In the morning, Daniel helped me check everything.

‘Suitcases?’ I asked.

‘Yep!’ Daniel slapped the cases on the bed.

‘Mummy’s handbag?’ I asked, which simultaneously checked off our passports, cash (including the $200 that Dovid had given to me for Daniel), bank cards, my phone and our travel documents.

‘Yep!’ Daniel grabbed the leather straps.

‘Now, the most important things… Teddy?’

‘Yes! Teddy’s here!’ He held up his new teddy proudly.

‘Crayons and books?’

‘Here!’ Daniel said, gesturing towards his rucksack.

‘Snacks?’

‘Here too!’

‘Well then, we’re all done!’

‘We’re going on holiday!’ Daniel screeched.

‘We are! We’re going to New York.’

‘New York.’ Daniel repeated. ‘To see your friend.’

‘To see mummy’s friend Ronit.’

‘Ronit is my friend too.’

‘I hope she’ll be your friend.’

‘She will. She’s my friend.’

 I laughed and checked over our things one last time before playing a quick game of hide and seek with Daniel and teddy; he’d named him Peter.

Two hours later, I sent a departing email to Ronit with raging butterflies in my stomach before getting into a taxi with Daniel and our cases. I felt a small surge of panic as we pulled away from the flat, but I reminded myself of where I was going.

That in a few hours, I would see Ronit again. That Daniel would meet Ronit, and Ronit would meet Daniel.

Then the butterflies’ wings slowed to a steady beat, and tranquility washed over me.


	4. The Arrival

‘Fucking hell Scott, it’s only eight days I’m asking for.’ I was sat in Scott’s huge glass paneled office; he was sat behind a sleek black desk surrounded by prints and posters of famous models, artists, actors and actresses that he’d shot throughout his career.

‘It’s not about the amount of days Ronit, you know that.’ Scott said, exasperated. ‘It’s the time of year. You’ve seen the calendar, you know how bad it is.’

‘I know, and I am sorry but it was a last minute booking...’ I started to sound too defensive, so I decided to be practical. ‘Look, if you can delay _any_ of the shoots for two weeks time, I’ll do them all then. I can pack them all into the one week. And… and when I get back, I’ll finally arrange the Milan _Vogue_ shoot with that creep, Janetti.’

‘You haven’t organised that yet?’ Scott groaned as he ran his hands over his face.

‘No, I told you I wouldn’t until I received an apology.’

‘You’re killing me Ronit.’

‘Scott, I haven’t taken any leave for the past… since I had to bury my father. Would you please give me this?’

Scott’s fingers tapped the desk, and he bit the inside of his cheek.

‘Yes,’ he said finally. ‘Of course you can take the leave.’

‘Thank you. I really do appreciate it. And I’m still okay to work from home this afternoon? It’s just the delivery guys are-’

Scott nodded his head and looked back to his screen. ‘It’s fine. Just, have a good time with… Ester?’

‘Esti.’ I corrected him swiftly. ‘I’m sure I will.’

I stood up to leave, but before I closed the door behind me I turned into the room again.

‘You know, if you wanted to give any of the shoots to Billy the intern-’

‘I thought we agreed to stop calling him that.’

I paused. ‘If you wanted to give any of the shoots to _Billy_ … I think he’s ready to take a job on by himself.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Mmhm.’

‘Okay, I’ll see. Thanks. Have a good weekend.’

‘You too.’

I left Scott’s office and skipped to my own desk. I opened up my emails and wrote an out-of-office message explaining I wouldn’t be back for a week and a half and there would be no chance of me checking my emails in the mean time. It felt good.

I threw my salad pots and old water bottles into the recycling, washed my mugs and packed my laptop and camera into my backpack.

I studied my desk a final time before leaving the office; what a rush leaving early was! It had been so long since I’d taken a holiday, and this wasn’t even a holiday really.  

Billy caught me on my way out.

‘Oh hey Ronny, did you get the Sharpies and stuff I’d left on your desk?’

‘Yes, thanks so much for grabbing that.’

‘No problem. Doing some crafts this weekend?’ Billy was carrying two trays of coffees with his giant hands.

‘Something like that.’ I returned his smile. ‘I’m off now but make sure you keep an ear out for some jobs next week. I told Scott to consider you for a few.’

‘No way!?’

‘Yes way.’ I lifted my slipping backpack over my shoulder.

‘Thanks Ronit.’

‘No no, don’t thank me. You deserve it.’

Then Billy gave me the most genuine smile I’d ever seen on his face; it was quite strange.

‘Have a nice break.’ He said, with more sincerity.

‘And thank you. I’ll see you in twelve days!’

‘Not that you’re counting.’ Billy retorted, back to the smirk again.

I laughed and took the glass elevator down to the ground floor, passed reception and walked along the streets until I reached a taxi rank.

I clambered in and went back to my apartment, where a huge lorry was already waiting for me outside my apartment block.

‘Shit, shit. Here, sorry, take this, keep the change.’ I threw a cluster of notes to the driver and jumped out of the car.

‘Hello! Hi, hi, sorry I’m already late. You guys are,’ I checked my watch. ‘Right on time! Excellent!’

‘You Rahnit?’ One of the three delivery men was leaning against the back of the truck.

‘I am yes, I believe you have some furniture of mine?’

‘You got a working elevatah?’ Another delivery man flicked his cigarette into the street and pulled a metal latch on the back of the lorry.

‘I do, yes. There’s also a wide set of stairs at the back of the building.

‘Nah, the elevatah’ll be fine sweetie.’

I curdled at the use of pet names, but these men were about to lift quite a few, exceedingly heavy compact boxes for me, so I just smiled and led them in.

Within the hour, they’d stacked up each of the boxes in the rooms they were designated to and left, leaving the smell of stale tobacco wafting in my apartment.

I flung open the windows in my bedroom, the spare room and the kitchen to air the place while I worked.

I turned on my laptop to show I was online; but didn’t read any of the emails I had received.

Instead, I started hacking into the packaging with a box cutter. Planks of wood, little plastic bags of screws and instruction sheets soon littered my spare room. As I twisted the final screws into the headboard joining it to the legs I wished I had paid the extra for the workmen to do it for me.

I continued, earning myself dark red indentations in the skin on my fingers and thumb from the hex key.

But after forty or so minutes, the double bed was made. I ripped open the mattress for it and let it expand while I tore into the small child’s bed packaging.

I worked with vigor and purpose. Esti’s tickets were already bought, this wasn’t empty toil.

With that in the forefront of my mind I worked harder, and faster. I built the child’s base, unfolded the mattress, and made both beds up with fresh linen. I assembled the pop-up wardrobe and placed the new hangers inside. I installed the child-safe latches on the cleaning cupboards and the cutlery draws, I covered the plug sockets with plastic caps and I placed the corner and edge guards on the doors, coffee table corners and kitchen island.

By sunset, I was a sweaty mess. I ordered some pizza and threw myself onto the sofa, relishing the smell of fresh pine furniture in the air.

In certain respects, I think I’d gone slightly overboard. It wasn’t as if Esti and I would be leaving Daniel unattended in my apartment, but it was the thought behind it I supposed.

Esti might not even notice, and that would be fine as well. I wasn’t doing it for approval or praise. Childproofing the apartment was just a logical and right thing to do.

When the pizza arrived, I was halfway through wrapping up a gift for Daniel. Esti had told me he loved fire trucks, so I’d bought him a soft ‘FDNY’ truck that made a siren noise when you squeezed it. It said ‘2+’ on the box, so I thought that would be appropriate.

Before I went to sleep that evening, I read the last line of Esti’s latest email to me about ten times.

_We arrive at JFK at 1945 on Monday. I can’t wait to see you._

_I can’t wait to see you._

_I can’t wait to see you._

I wondered what expectations Esti had, and whether I thought the same. Although I had no idea what I wanted, so it left the range of possibilities wide open.

_I can’t wait to see you._

I fell asleep with her voice in my head.

* * *

 

I spent most of Saturday replying to the emails I had neglected on Friday afternoon. An email chain I had been copied into was between a pleading Scott and an obtuse magazine editor who wouldn’t “settle” for an intern stepping in for their shoot. Although, I use the word “obtuse” to avoid using the phrase “loathsome dickhead”.

I sent back the most passive aggressive email I could before slamming my laptop shut.

I took a deep breath; the fresh pine was still present, and it was accompanied by laundry now.

I’d placed new, soft towels on both beds in the spare bedroom. The toddler towel turned into a miniature dressing gown when wrapped the right way. I couldn’t resist buying it when I found it.

I exchanged a few more emails with Esti; her demeanor over email changed and I got the impression her excitement was growing. The feeling gripped me, and I wrote back equally as animated.

As time passed, and Monday came closer the enthusiasm warped into anticipation and then into something I couldn’t quite describe. A mixture of urging, expectation and hope. Like when you reach the top of a rollercoaster; you know what’s coming but there’s no way to prepare your body for it. You simply have to experience it.

_We’re on our way to the airport. See you soon. Love Esti._

That was the last email I’d received; I’d been asleep when it had come through, and by then it was too late to email Esti back. So naturally I read it over and over again to ensure that this was all real, and that Esti and her son would be in New York in several hours’ time.

I went grocery shopping on Monday morning - filling the fridge with everything I could possibly think of, although we’d mostly be going out for meals that week. I bought kosher food for Daniel, Esti told me that she didn’t eat kosher anymore, but she hadn’t specified Daniel’s diet; better to err on the side of caution.

Once I’d filled the fridge and store cupboards, I inspected every room in the apartment with magnification. It was all fine, it was all safe. It smelt good, it was comfortable, and it was homely.

Why did I feel so nervous then?

Esti and Daniel would be here in a few hours; every time I thought about it my stomach sunk.

Was this a good idea?

It was.

Wasn’t it?

Considering how Esti and I had left everything. A hurried goodbye in the back of a taxi. Did we have unfinished business? Is that what this trip was? And how exactly would this trip end?

I stopped myself from overthinking; I was starting to feel dizzy, and I needed to walk to the hire car place. I left my apartment with a few hours to spare until their touchdown, I walked a few blocks and found myself waiting in the stuffy waiting room for a key.

‘Did you remember the car seat?’

‘Huh?’ The gormless attendant looked up at me, scratching his tattooed arms. ‘Oh, yeah. It’s in the back.’

‘And it’s suitable for-’

‘Whatever you asked for, it’s there.’ He replied, handing me the Toyota keys.

‘Brilliant. Thank you so much!’ I said with forced and intentional gratitude.

I got into the car and tried to familiarise myself with it all; I’d hired an automatic though, so it felt a little bit like cheating.

‘Right.’ I said to myself. ‘Let’s go.’

I crossed the Robert Kennedy Bridge and drove along the Parkway; the sky was turning pink and I left the windows open. The car cut through the stifling mugginess of the day and the breeze rushed through my hair, calming me.

And then, as if the universe were trying to tell me something, ‘Love Song’ by The Cure came on the radio, and a wave of emotion crashed over me.

 _However far away,_  
_I will always love you._  
_However long I stay,_  
 _I will always love you._

I turned it up and sang along, roaring along the highway.

I pulled into the airport car park, hoarse from singing and shaky from excitement. I took the chilled bottles of water and snacks I’d bought for Esti and Daniel and made my way to the arrivals terminal, not forgetting the sign I’d made with the card and pens I’d asked Billy to get for me.

‘WELCOME ESTI & DANIEL’ it read, in big bold colours, surrounded by terrible illustrations of the Union Jack and Old Glory.

I checked my watch and the arrivals board. It was half past seven. They’d be landing in fifteen minutes; the plane was still due in on time.

God, I felt sick, so very ill. I hoped I wasn’t actually getting some hideous disease and the whole holiday would be Esti and Daniel visiting me in hospital. What a twist of fate that would be.

I heard an announcement over the tannoy speakers, I filtered out the sounds of people milling around, and aeroplanes soaring overhead. Small groups of people started filing out of the arrivals exit. I looked at my watch, it was almost eight o’clock. Jesus Christ.

I took a deep, shuddering breath and raised my sign, which all of a sudden felt pathetic and embarrassing.

I studied every face that came out into the hall. I saw people running into the arms of others waiting for them. How was I going to greet Esti? A hug? It had to be a hug.

I looked at all of the tired faces, I looked for women with young children. The crowds started to ebb, and my panic stiffened.

What if she didn’t get on the plane?

No, she must have. She told me. She emailed me an-

And then, my brain stopped.

A pale woman with dark hair had appeared; she was holding hands with a young boy and pulling a suitcase behind her. She looked up into the faces of the waiting crowds and scanned our faces. She must have seen my sign, because then she shone through her tiredness.

I saw her lips move.

‘Esti,’ I muttered, my sign drooping slightly. ‘Esti.’ My heart was racing, I felt light-headed.

I dropped the sign to the floor and took several steps towards her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> There is more coming, I just really didn't want to rush their first greeting. I think it needs to be treated with care and I really want to invest my time in their exchanges.
> 
> So again, I hope you continue to enjoy this story. It's all I'm thinking about most days.


	5. The Reunion

‘Esti,’ my voice grew louder as I walked towards them; I started to notice her features, her figure, her hair, and small lights popped in my  vision. ‘Oh my God, hello! Hello! How was your flight?’  
  
My arms automatically wrapped around her neck, but she had no spare arms so couldn’t return the hug, although I felt her body push slightly into mine. The smell on her neck was of lavender, or violets, something that reminded me of England. How could she smell so good after an eight hour flight?  
  
‘It was long,’ I heard her voice break, she spoke almost breathlessly.   
  
‘I bet! And you, you must be Daniel!’ I crouched down to the young boys height, but he pushed his face into his mother’s leg.  
  
‘Daniel, this is Ronit, you remember your friend Ronit?’ Daniel gripped his teddy, groaned and rubbed his eyes. ‘He hasn’t slept much.’ 

Esti looked at me, a small flush caught her cheek.   
  
‘Oh, well that’s no good.’ I looked up at Esti, but not for too long because my mouth dried up each time I glimpsed her. ‘Would a present make  you feel better?’  
  
‘He does love a present.’ I could hear Esti smiling above me.  
  
‘Well, it’s all back at my house.’ I stood up and matched Esti’s height. ‘And you’re probably both tired, so we can head straight back. We can pick up dinner along the way?’   
  
I took Esti’s suitcase from her after she put up a small fight about it, but her free arm meant she could pick up her exhausted son.   
  
‘I’ve got a car,’ I continued swallowing back something caught in my throat, ‘and it has a booster seat. That’s okay isn’t it? I asked for one for three years olds.’  
  
‘That sounds perfect Ronit. We didn’t need this special treatment.’  
  
‘It’s nothing! It really is nothing, don’t worry. I’ve been looking forward to it.’  
  
‘We have too, haven’t we Daniel?’  
  
But Daniel was slumped into Esti, his head resting on her shoulder.  
  
‘Have you both eaten? I have snacks and some water.’  
  
‘We had an early dinner on the plane, bu-’  
  
‘Oh Esti,’ I laughed. ‘You’re not actually supposed to eat plane food. You must know that.’  
  
‘It wasn’t too bad.’ Esti smiled. ‘But I’m sure we would both like to eat something Ronit-approved.’  
  
‘Pizza it is then! There’s a great place in Queens, they do kosher… if you want that.’  
  
I heard a Esti scoff as we reached the car park.  
  
‘That’s not necessary, but thank you.’  
  
‘Oh no? What does Dovid think of that?’ I asked with a grin.  
  
‘He can think what he pleases.’  
  
The sentence was reinforced with finality so I was relieved when I saw the car.  
  
‘Here we are!’ I exclaimed with too much enthusiasm. I unlocked the doors and hoisted Esti’s suitcase and Daniel’s little rucksack into the boot.   
Esti put Daniel into his car seat, which I was relieved about because I had absolutely no idea how it worked. He fell asleep almost as quickly as he was put in.   
  
I sat in the drivers seat, and Esti got in next to me. In the confined space, I could smell her more clearly. She smelt like… well, she smelt like Esti. My skin started to fizzle, as though electricity had been turned on in my veins.   
  
‘So, here you are.’ I said, noticing the blood pumping in my ears.   
  
‘Here we are.’ Esti looked back at me, the light, purple shadows under her eyes framed her tiredness.   
  
‘Is it strange?’ I asked.   
  
‘No,’ she laughed and faced ahead. ‘It’s strangely… not strange.’  
  
‘That’s good.’ I smiled as well, and soon we were both smiling as I drove us to my apartment. 

* * *

On the way back I spoke more than Esti did. 

She sat with her hands in her lap, answering questions when I asked her but mostly she was quiet.   
  
When I stopped to pick up some pizza, she did ask if I needed help.   
  
‘No no, you and Daniel stay here. I’ll be five minutes.’  
  
I’d parked on a quiet street. The pizza place was only a short walk, but nonetheless I started to panic. Esti had said it wasn’t strange, but she was so quiet. What if she was regretting it already and was too polite to say?   
  
The reasonable part of my brain argued that she was most likely just tired, and everything would be fine.   
  
It would be fine, it would be fine. It is fine, it is fine. I repeated to myself as I paid for the pizza, and I continued the mantra while walking back to the car with the steaming boxes. When I reached the car, I saw Esti had closed her eyes.   
  
She and Daniel looked so peaceful, I almost wanted to stand out in the street until the pizzas turned stale and cold rather than disturb them.  
‘Sorry,’ I whispered as I opened the door as quietly as I could.   
  
‘No, no. Don’t be.’ Esti stretched slightly, pushing out her chest.‘That smells incredible.’ She took the boxes from me and rested them on her lap.  
  
‘Best pizza in New York, maybe the world.’  
  
‘I’ll have to taste it to believe it.’  
  
‘All in good time. We’re about 10 minutes away.’  
  
Esti nodded, and turned back to check on Daniel who was still conked out.   
  
‘Do you think I could have a shower when we get there?’ Esti’s words were rushed, as though she were asking something impossible.   
  
‘Yes, of course.’ I laughed. ‘Mi casa es tu casa, help yourselves.’  
  
‘I just didn’t-’  
  
‘Please promise me,’ I interrupted her, ‘that you will treat my home like you would your own. I don’t want any of this too-polite-Esti-not-touching-anything-in-case-she-breaks-it, all right?’  
  
‘I’m not worried I’ll break anything… I’m worried  _he_ will.’ And she chuckled softly, making my electric skin crackle and whirr.  
  
‘Honestly, don’t worry about anything. You’re on holiday; I want you to have fun.’ I turned around a corner and pulled up along the curb into a free space right outside the door. ‘And here we are.’  
  
‘This is exciting.’ Esti started, looking up at the red brick building next to us. ‘I’ve imagined what your flat looks like so much.’  
  
‘Prepare to be hugely disappointed.’ I opened the door and got the case and bag from the boot, and I led Esti who was carrying pizza and holding hands with a squirming Daniel to the elevator.   
  
My stomach was in knots as we rode up, and I could see Esti fully.   
  
It was incredible seeing her hair again, the dark chestnut with light notes of blonde streaming through it. She wore a cropped jacket, but I could see a light shirt underneath, black jeans and unbranded trainers. Her face was the same, sculpted and white like a porcelain statue. When she yawned, I saw the highlight of her cheekbones and her sharp jawline.   
  
The elevator seemed to last forever, but finally we reached my floor. I led them both inside the apartment, and we were all greeted by the same smell of pine and laundry I’d smelt hours before.   
  
‘Wow.’ I heard Esti behind me. ‘Ronit, this is beautiful.’   
  
‘It’s not that great, but it’s home. Here, give me the pizza.’  
  
I took the boxes into the kitchen and put it on the island; it was sill piping hot. Esti had picked Daniel up, he was muttering some dreamy nonsense.  
  
‘He can have his present now!’ I said excitedly. ‘Let me show you your room.’  
  
I wheeled their wobbly suitcase into the spare room, where Esti and Daniel’s freshly made beds were, begging to be slept in. Daniel’s firetruck was wrapped up by his pillows.   
  
‘Oh Ronit,’ I heard Esti mutter. ‘Ronit you shouldn’t have…’  
  
‘Ah, ah! What did I say?’  
  
‘You bought him a child’s bed?’  
  
‘No, no I had that hanging around. Children always stay here. Oh no, that sounds weird. Yes, I bought him a bed.’  
  
‘I wasn’t expecting that. God I didn’t even think. Here, I’ll give you money for it.’  
  
‘Esti! You’re my guests, I couldn’t not have beds for you!’  
  
‘But-’  
  
‘Daniel?’ I whispered, ignoring Esti’s plea to give me money. ‘Daniel would you like to open your present?’  
  
That word must have stirred something in the boy, because he picked up his head and looked at me with his dark eyes, nodding.   
  
I cheered quietly and grabbed the wrapped present. Esti put him down and sat on her bed, taking her coat off and watching us.   
  
‘Now, your mother told me that you liked fire trucks…’  
  
Daniel nodded again, rubbing his eyes.  
  
‘So, I thought you’d like this.’  
  
He ripped into it. The toy was big compared to him; once he’d opened it, he squealed with joy.   
  
‘Fire truck!’ He screeched and squeezed the truck, which omitted a loud siren noise.   
  
‘Oh wow, what a wonderful gift for mummy’s migraines.’ Esti laughed behind me. ‘Daniel, what do we say?’  
  
‘Thank you.’ He said quietly, staring at the truck in awe.   
  
‘You’re very welcome.’ I said, standing up. I had the biggest urge to ruffle his hair but I refrained.   
  
‘You guys have towels and wash things in there, the bathroom is a Jack  & Jill one,’ Esti’s blank expression stared back at me. ‘That just means you can get in through this door and a door in my bedroom.’  
  
‘Fancy.’ She said.   
  
‘Space-saving.’ I replied in the same tone. ‘I’ll go and get the pizza ready, and I’ll leave you guys to it.’  
  
And I left them alone, on my way out I heard Esti say something about pyjamas, a bath and that Daniel could bring his fire truck to the bathroom if he really wanted to.   
  
I sliced through the pizzas, the steam rose into my nostrils and the smell of melted cheese wafted around the kitchen; I heard the shower turn on and Esti talking to Daniel and Daniel talking to Esti.   
  
For a moment, I sank into a trance. That this was normal. That Esti lived here with Daniel; I was preparing dinner and she was bathing him and readying him for bed. And when he was asleep, we would sit together on the sofa, watching television, talking, laughing together and then we’d go to bed. A shared bed, and she’d kiss me on the lips, the neck-  
  
A warm flush hit my face and I felt disorientated. The shower was still whirring, the pizza was still steaming.   
  
I ate a slice of pizza and poured two glasses of wine; I’d just finished a second slice when I heard the shower stop. I waited patiently; I heard Esti and Daniel’s hushed voices and wanted so badly to poke my head in the door.   
  
Eventually, Esti came out of the room alone in loose grey pyjama trousers and a white t-shirt. I was standing in the kitchen, pretending I hadn’t been pacing and waiting.  
  
‘He’s already asleep.’ Esti spoke quietly. ‘He’s cuddling his truck.’  
  
Her hair was damp, and she brought the smell of cherry shampoo with her. I swallowed back that lump in my throat again.   
  
‘I’m glad he likes it.’  
  
‘When he’s distracted we’ll have to figure out how to take the batteries out.’  
  
‘Deal.’ I chuckled. ‘How are you feeling after your shower? There’s pizza and wine here.’  
  
‘Mm, it’s a good shower.’ Esti said, picking up a slice of pizza and took a bite. I tried not to watch her, nobody likes being watched while they eat.   
  
‘Well,’ she said after finishing the first mouthful. ‘That is the best pizza I’ve ever tasted.’  
  
‘I told you!’ I said a little too loudly.  
  
She picked up the wine next and drank and ate while I led her to the sofa. Having Esti on my sofa was surreal, I tried to ground myself because I could feel myself hovering above myself, watching but not experiencing.  
  
‘He’s very polite.’ I said, pointing to the room Daniel was asleep in.  
  
‘Thank you.’ Esti had finished eating now, the food had brought back some colour to her cheeks.   
  
‘And I hope you don’t mind me saying but, he really looks like Dovid.’  
  
Esti laughed. ‘You think so?’ She paused for a moment and sipped the red wine, making her lips darker. ‘I like to think he looks like you.’

  
‘It’s those strong Krushka genes.’  
  
‘But he doesn’t look like your father or your mother. He looks like you.’  
  
I didn’t know what to say, so I drank. I caught glimpses of Esti’s petite figure, and it charged the electricity in my muscles. I wanted to think Daniel looked like me as well, for some reason that gave me a warm feeling in my stomach. Or maybe it was just the wine. Esti was sat with her feet on the sofa, her knees bent up to her chest.  
  
‘I can’t believe I’m here.’ Esti scanned the apartment and her eyes settled on me. They unsettled me, but it felt right. It felt good.  
  
‘And what did Dovid think? Sorry, I know I’m asking a lot about Dovid.’  
  
‘No, no. He’s family, it’s understandable.’  
  
‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m only asking because I want everything to be… fine between you two. And me.’  
  
‘I understand Ronit.’ And she smiled again. ‘He was surprisingly accepting. He gave me some money for Daniel.’  
  
‘Wow, that is special.’  
  
‘Mm. He and Shayna came ov-’  
  
‘Wait… Shayna? As in Shayna Finkel?’  
  
‘Yes, he’s married to Shayna.’  
  
‘Shayna?!’ I couldn’t help myself, I burst out laughing but I stifled it with my hand. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that before. Don’t you remember Shayna from school?’  
  
‘A little bit, I mostly remember you making up a song about her.’  
  
‘I did, I did! What was it?  _There’s nothing as big as Big Ben. There’s nothing as small as a sixpence. But all things considered, something something… there’s nobody plainer than Shayna_!’  
  
Esti was giggling. ‘God, you were cruel.’  
  
‘I still am.’  
  
Esti stretched out one of her legs and her foot brushed mine, sending a crack of hot lightning through me. I saw her glass was empty, as was mine. We could keep drinking, but what might come of that?  
  
‘We should probably get some sleep.’ I said, somewhat against my own will, but knowing we would have a busy day tomorrow.  
  
‘Mm, that sounds good.’ Esti said through a yawn. ‘What are we doing tomorrow?’  
  
‘I hadn’t planned anything, but we’ll do some sightseeing. Maybe Times Square? High Line? Central Park?’  
  
‘I’m happy for you to be our guide.’  
  
‘Excellent. I’ll make breakfast in the morning. Just leave your glass there, don’t worry about cleaning up.’  
  
‘Are you sure?’   
  
I nodded fervently.  
  
‘Are you sure you have everything? You don’t need anything else?’  
  
‘No, no. This is all perfect, thank you.’  
  
We both made our ways to our bedrooms, but before we parted I turned to her.  
  
‘I’m so happy you’re here.’ I spoke through wine-stained lips. I took a step towards her and wanted to tuck her hair behind her ear, but instead I leant in for a hug. My arms were around her neck and hers around my waist. I felt her face nuzzling into my neck, and her breath on my skin.  
  
‘I’m happy too.’ She whispered into my hair, so quietly I could barely hear her.

And then she went into her room, and I went into mine. That night I dreamt about hugging her.


	6. The Third Day

**Ronit**

My eyes peeled apart the next morning and immediately I thought it had all been a dream. My brain had weaved the trip to the airport, the pizza, the fire truck, Esti and Daniel. I placed my feet on the cool wooden floorboards and took a deep breath.

It wasn’t a dream. Esti was asleep about twenty feet away from me, with her son. They were here in New York and I needed to plan them a fantastic holiday. I shook out my limbs and rubbed my eyes.

A thought tugged at me, and I didn’t want to indulge it but it tapped against my skull relentlessly: _Esti will leave this time. You won’t be able to run from this one._

I don’t know why it was bothering me so much. But for some reason it was sticking to me like burrs.

She would have to leave me… I wouldn’t be able to clear my head as I had done twice before.

She’d leave in a week, and her aroma would be all over my apartment. I’d have memories of her in my flat. Shit, whose idea was this?

After a quick shower, I put on a pot of coffee and tidied up the two glasses from the night before; hard evidence that Esti was in fact here.

Around 9am, I heard movement and quiet voices behind the door; nerves bolted in my stomach and the coffee in my mouth soured. I was just opening a packet of bacon when they entered the living room. I wasn’t even hungry.

Daniel toddled towards the kitchen, his mop of messy black hair was sticking up all over the place while he clutched his truck and teddy in one arm, his other hand was holding Esti’s. Her hair was tousled as well, and the ends had curled from sleeping with it damp.

‘Good morning.’ I said, my mouth drying up again forcing me to take a mouthful of hot, bitter coffee.

‘Good morning.’ Esti replied, her voice was soft and drowsy.

‘How did you both sleep?’ I turned the stove on, trying to avoid looking at her again.

‘Daniel was a little upset this morning. A bit disorientated I think.’ She cooed, stroking her son’s hair. Daniel was looking around the apartment, careful not to leave Esti’s side.

‘Ah, we’ve all been there at some point or another.’ I quipped, pouring out a filter coffee.

‘You’re awful.’ Esti said with two dimples surfacing on her snowy cheeks.

‘I am, I am. I’m sorry. How do you like your coffee?’

‘Milk, please. No sugar.’

‘Of course,’ I poured out the black liquid, the white milk and stirred. ‘Here you are. Sorry, I completely forgot to get tea in, but you know it’s America. They don’t do tea very well here.’

‘You should have said. I could have brought you some _PG Tips_ from England.’ Esti said taking the coffee from me; her fingers brushed mine and I felt a burn rush through my hands and down my arm.

‘No, no, no. Don’t be silly.’ I said, turning my back to her so that she couldn’t see my reddening face. I threw some bacon into the hot pan. ‘I have many great plans for today!’ I declared over the sound of sizzling. ‘We’re going to go to Central Park first, there’s a great petting zoo in there. I think Daniel’ll like it, and we can have lunch in the café there.’

‘Did you hear that Daniel? We’re going to see the animals.’

‘And then,’ I continued, flipping the charred bacon. ‘the Children’s Museum! And dinner will be… well, that’s a surprise.’

‘A surprise?’ Esti said, feigning awe and looking at Daniel for his reaction, which was slightly disappointing. He was looking up at Esti, and then at me and then around him.

‘Animals?’ He enquired with a tiny voice.

‘That’s right! Animals and a surprise!’ Esti spoke to him in a voice I’d never heard her use before. It was maternal yet childlike, which even when we were girls, she’d never been. She had always been too nervous and too shy to be filled with that innocent wonder of a child. It was as though Daniel allowed her to be that.

And that settled me for some reason. I felt lighter as I plated up breakfast.

They’d made their way into the living room, where I’d put cartoons on the television. Daniel watched and ate, seemingly comforted by the presence of the dogs in something called _Paw Patrol_. Esti and I ate and talked about the day. I was as normal as I could be.

Every time we locked eyes, I experienced a rising in my chest and a tingling in my muscles, but the more we spoke the easier it became to control it. Or at least I hoped.

I just wished that I wouldn’t do anything to ruin the short time we had together. That I wouldn’t make her leaving worse.

* * *

**Esti**

Ronit led Daniel and I all over Manhattan on our first two days. We ate breakfast in her flat, or apartment, as she called it now, and then spent both days outside exploring in the sunshine.

She’d taken us to a dinosaur BBQ restaurant on the first evening, that was our surprise. Daniel loved it, he was so excited. And that evening he slept so soundly, I don’t think anything would have woken him.

Though, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but there was something off in the way Ronit was acting. Our interactions felt jagged, slightly fractured. But she was so kind to Daniel, I felt as though I could ignore it. To finally see them both together, no matter how she was with me… it was blissful. 

He took a little time to warm to her, but by the middle of day one, he was letting her lead him by the hand, letting her push him on the swings and letting her hold Peter the teddy, which was nothing if not a privilege.

There was a moment, in the petting zoo, that I don’t think I will ever forget. I had gone to buy ice creams, and when I returned to the area of the park where we had set up I saw Daniel laying on his back, and Ronit laying on hers next to him.

I approached them slowly, curious to hear what they were talking about.

‘That one is a... hippopotamus.’ Ronit said, her arm stretched towards a lumpy, white cloud.

Daniel giggled loudly, laughing straight from the belly.

‘And that one?’ He shouted once he’d calmed down.

‘That one… that’s a… pig!’

Again, Daniel rolled in fits. Ronit made pig noises with her nose, and Daniel copied her.

I could have watched them forever. I was only made alert of my own presence when a drop of ice cream drizzled down my thumb.

‘What are you two doing?’ I asked, a grin so wide my cheeks ached.

Ronit sat upright, her eyes immediately avoiding me.

‘We’re just playing the animal game, weren’t we?’

‘Mummy, mummy that’s a pig!’ Daniel screeched and oinked and threw himself at me.

‘Woah, okay. Do you want to keep on playing or should I eat your ice cream?’

‘No no,’ Daniel grabbed for his ice cream. ‘Thank you.’ He said a bit more solemnly when he saw my glare.

‘You’re welcome.’ I gave it to him, and I passed Ronit’s to her. She took it from the bottom of the cone, her fingers wrapped awkwardly around it.  

‘Thank you.’ She gave a quick smile and looked away. ‘After these, we can head to the museum.’

And we went to the museum. Again Ronit evaded me at every opportunity; speaking and engaging with Daniel but avoiding my gaze and limiting conversation between us.

I felt myself slipping into a sulk and by the third day (exactly one week until we had to leave again) I had grown tired of it. I decided to say something, instead of letting the fracture between us break and become something irreparable.

It was Wednesday evening. We’d had to stay in all day because of the torrential downpours that summer gifts us with occasionally.

I’d given Daniel a bath and he’d fallen asleep on the sofa watching cartoons that Ronit had put on for him. I was collecting our plates from the living room and taking them to the kitchen when Ronit came out of her bedroom.

‘I’ll do that Esti.’ She approached me and took the plates; her hand cupped mine and immediately she pulled away, almost wrenching the plates from my grip.

She turned her back to me and hurried into the kitchen, where I followed her.

‘Ronit,’ I started. I didn’t know what to say; well I knew what I wanted to say but I was never going to say it. ‘I wanted to talk to you about something.’

Her spine stiffened. ‘What’s that?’ She remained with her back to me.

‘I just, I wanted to apologise… for how I acted when you came to England last.’

I heard her snort, but she didn’t say anything.

‘I am sorry.’ I continued. ‘I can only imagine what a difficult position I put you in.’

‘You have nothing to apologise for, Esti.’ She finally turned to face me. Her dark eyes were ethereally soft. ‘You didn’t point a gun to my head and tell me to pay for that hotel room. I was very aware of what I was doing.’

‘I know, but I feel like,’ my fingers twisted together. ‘If I was better at handling myself then it wouldn’t have happened.’

She waited for a moment, I saw her swallow. ‘And would you have preferred that?’

‘God, no. No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I just never wanted to make it difficult for you to leave.’

Where was I going with this? Her response had thrown me off, I didn’t know what point I was trying to make anymore.

‘It was difficult.’ She sighed. ‘But I’m sure it was difficult for you too. It’s just one of those things.’ She turned back to the sink, her eyes had only lingered on me for a second.

‘You’re acting strange.’ I blurted out.

She bent her head forward and inhaled sharply. ‘I’m not-’

‘No, you are. Maybe not the first night; when we got here everything was fine and normal but since then you’ve been off with me and we’ve barely spoken and I don’t know what I’ve done.’

‘It’s nothing you’ve done Esti-’

‘Then what is it? I must have done something!’ I demanded with a muted voice, my hands clasping together.

‘It’s… hard to explain.’

‘Well try to at least.’

She’d turned now, facing me fully. Her eyes still wandered, occasionally grazing me with a look. I took a step towards her, we were inches apart. ‘What have I done?’

‘Nothing Esti, please don’t do thi-’

‘Tell me.’

‘I just don’t want you to leave.’ Her words rung through the kitchen, echoing around us.

A quiet ‘oh’ was all I could muster.

‘Not like that. I know you _have_ to leave, it’s just… I don’t want anything to happen to make it worse.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s just, it’s what we do isn’t it? We can’t help ourselves. We don’t exactly have a normal relationship.’

‘Ronit, I don’t…’

‘But there is something there, still. Isn’t there?’

There was an almighty silence when neither of us was talking. I heard shouting and traffic outside, but it was all so far away.

‘I don’t think there’ll never _not_ be anything there.’ I said, looking away from her. ‘It was always going to be difficult. Seeing each other.’

Ronit was nodding, finally her eyes were locked with mine. They mounted the tension between us; she took the air straight from my lungs.

For a moment, I thought she’d say something else because her lips were parted. But she took a step forward; we were almost touching. Her hands lifted to my neck, her fingers ran through my hair.

‘I tried.’ She whispered as her fingertips stroked behind my ears.

A shiver caught me all over, my knees weakened. She bit her lip and leant in, I could feel her breath on my skin. Her thumbs ran over my cheeks, bringing a lump to my throat. The room around me blurred but my hands found the soft warmth of her waist under her shirt.

My breathing was rapid and trembling, and my heart pulsed loudly in my veins. Her tongue slipped into my mouth and I pulled her closer.

One of her hands remained buried in my hair. Her other moved over my chest, my back, my stomach and caressed in between my legs.

A rasping moan fell from her lips as our kisses became frantic and urgent. Her fingers slipped into my jeans and she pushed them into my underwear.

‘Wait, wait.’ I whispered through panting breaths. ‘We can’t. Not here.’

I turned around. Daniel was still sleeping but it felt odd him being so close. I looked back at Ronit. Her breast was heaving, breathless.

‘Bedroom?’ Her voice fizzled in my ears.

I nodded back. ‘We have to be quiet.’ I whispered as she led me there by the hand.

‘I promise I will be.’

‘It’s not you I’m worried about.’


	7. The Morning After

**Ronit**

I made Esti come three times, and she made me twice. With every orgasm I felt her hushed body convulse and tighten around me, her nails clawed my skin and low, stifled moans formed in her throat.

I never wanted it to end, I wanted to feel her on top of me, inside me and under me forever. I’d never wanted anything as much as I craved her in that moment.

I wanted to trace the line of her spine as it arched, to stroke and caress every inch of her pale chest, down her stomach and to the warmth between her legs. I wanted to curl my fingers inside her until she cried out. 

Afterwards, we fell back against the pillows on my bed. Our rising chests were glistening with sweat; her hand was resting on my thigh, she was stroking me with her thumb.

‘I should put Daniel into bed.’ She said when she’d caught her breath.

Reflexively, I reached out and held onto her before she had time to stand up.

‘Can I do it?’

Her lips curved up at the sides, bringing out dimples I could have jumped into.

‘Of course you can.’

We cleaned up, dressed ourselves and walked to the living room. Daniel was still passed out, but he’d turned onto his back.

I carefully slid my arms underneath his small, sleeping body, making sure the crook of my arm was supporting his neck, and lifted him with surprising ease. Esti led the way into their bedroom, where she had made his bed ready for him.  

I lowered him gently, as though he were made of glass. His head found the pillow and he stretched out on the mattress and gave a tiny snore.

I couldn’t help myself, I stroked his forehead lightly. I could see Esti in him.

‘He’s beautiful isn’t he?’ I whispered.

‘He is. He’s my greatest achievement.’ Esti said standing behind me, her fingers ran through my hair, giving me goosebumps all over.  

I nodded and turned to look up at her. ‘I always thought your biggest achievement would be staying married to Dovid for six years.’

Esti sighed but I saw her smile. ‘You know, I have this theory that you have a serious medical condition where if you don’t make a joke every five minutes, you die.’

I bit my lip to stifle my laughter and stood up. We left Daniel sleeping and before we reached the sofa, Esti was kissing me again. It was insatiable.

The fevered atmosphere had burned away, our bodies pressed against each other and expelled any lingering awkwardness. We fell onto the sofa; slow, adoring kisses transformed to quick pecks of her lips, her jaw, her neck. We continued like that until we were wore ourselves out and it was well past midnight.

‘Do you remember our first kiss?’ Esti asked after a while of laying together in silence.

‘Mm.’ I replied, warm and content with my head resting on her chest. ‘The hydrangea bushes, by our old house.’

‘Aha. I knew you’d say that.’ Esti was stroking my shoulder delicately with slow movements.

‘It was wasn’t it?’ I asked, suddenly unsure of myself.

‘We kissed there a lot, but that wasn’t where our first kiss was.’

‘Where was it then?’

‘You really can’t remember?’

‘We’ve kissed quite a few times, Esti.’ I ran my fingers down her stomach, lifting her shirt slightly. ‘Give me a hint.’

Esti started humming a tune I recognized immediately.

‘ _Erev Shel Shoshanim?_ It was at a wedding?’ That was one of the only songs my father had on an old cassette, it was always played at local weddings.

‘Mmhm. The Rosenfeld wedding, do you remember now?’

‘Oh my god, I do. In the gallery.’

‘You kept peeking over the side, to make sure the Rav wasn’t looking.’

I closed my eyes and let the memory play out in my head. I was sitting in the top gallery of the fusty synagogue, fourteen years old with my hand on Esti’s leg; I was peering over the tall wooden sides to see my father and a handful of guests watching the Rosenfeld newlyweds beaming away at each other.

‘At one point,’ Esti said, a coy smile forming. ‘Mrs Reis came upstairs and sat next to us.’

‘Christ yes!’ I exclaimed. ‘You can see why I blocked it out. Her breath would be enough to kill any trace of romance.’

‘She leaned over to you at one point.’ Esti was laughing, her hand flung up to her mouth to hide the widening grin. ‘Do you remember that?’

‘Yes! It’s all coming back to me…’

‘She leaned over you and pointed to the Rosenfeld’s and said…’

And simultaneously we both spoke in the same croaky, elderly Hebrew accent: ‘One day that will be you Ronit.’

‘And you said,’ Esti continued, ‘“I bloody well hope not”.’

We fought away fits of laughter for a while, silently shaking with joy.

‘You were so awful.’ Esti yawned and stroked my hair.

‘I was. But you encouraged me.’ I propped myself up on my elbow and our eyes met again. ‘Do you think we should go to sleep?’

‘Probably.’

And then the awkwardness reared somewhat again. Where would I sleep? In my own bed, or in Esti’s? Would she ask me to come with her? I couldn’t ask her to sleep in my room, Daniel would need her close in case he woke up.

Esti made a motion to get up, and I stood up. Maybe she was thinking the same thing as me.

‘I’m glad we… I’m glad we sorted everything out.’ She said, her hands moulding around my jaw and neck, she kissed me very lightly on my lips, which tingled under her touch.

‘Me too.’

We made our way to the space in between our rooms, where we’d hugged on the first night.

‘I’d ask you to come in, but I don’t want to disturb you… if he wakes up.’

I wanted to tell her then. I wanted to say ‘But Esti, I _want_ that. I want to hear you cooing Daniel back to sleep. I want to see you stroking his hair and I want to see him looking at you knowing he has nothing to be scared of. Nothing would make me happier than slowly waking to the vision of you holding Daniel, sitting at the end of the bed I was sleeping in.’

But I swallowed back my words.

‘That’s fair,’ I managed to say. ‘You know how I get when I’m tired.’

I thought I saw a glimmer of disappointment in Esti’s face, but maybe I imagined it.

She leant in and hugged me, we kissed a final time. And then she disappeared behind her door.  

* * *

 

**Esti**

I woke up the next morning to the sound of Daniel’s babbling. He was playing with Peter and the truck in his bed; the one that Ronit had bought for him especially. It was a good quality one, with its cotton bedsheets and down pillows; I wondered if it was actually better than his own bed at home, the discolored _Fireman Sam_ sheets, and squeaky frame.

‘Good mornings sweetheart.’ I said, sitting up.

‘Hello.’ He greeted me with a smile.

‘What is Peter doing?’

‘He’s fireman.’

‘Is that so?’

‘Yep. Riding his truck.’ He squeezed the truck in the middle, but it made no noise this time.

Daniel squeezed it and crunched it and clamped it with his little hands but there was nothing.

‘S’broken.’ He stated matter-of-factly.

‘Oh dear.’ I feigned sadness. ‘We’ll have to fix it, won’t we?’

I checked my phone, which I’d barely touched while away, to check the time. It was 7:34; Ronit surely wouldn’t be awake yet.

‘Are you hungry darling?’

‘Ahhhhh… no. Yes. I am.’

‘Shall we get some breakfast?’

‘No.’

‘I think we should.’

‘Yes we should.’

I laughed and stood up, wrapping a jumper around me. The rain overnight had washed away the mugginess of the summer air and brought along a chilly crispness.

I thought suddenly of the night before, a tingling rush hit my lower abdomen. The memories of Ronit, our naked bodies rolling together; I almost lost the ability to stand.

‘Let’s go then.’ I hurried out. ‘But remember, be quiet because Ronit is sleeping.’

‘Ronit is my friend, isn't she?’ Daniel giggled, and he snorted again like he had done in the park; that was something which he and Ronit had bonded over now. They would always snort at each other and laugh. She had more patience for that sort of silliness than I did.

I squeezed Daniel’s hand and walked him into the living room. It was dark, Ronit had clearly pulled the blinds last night.

 She was nowhere to be seen, and her bedroom door was closed. I went into the kitchen and poured a glass of cold orange juice. I shared it with Daniel.

I soon realised I had no idea how Ronit’s cooker worked, nor how the coffee machine functioned. I couldn’t even put cartoons on for Daniel on her overly complicated television.

‘Do you want some bread and butter?’ I huffed, pinching my lips together.

‘Erm, no. I would like toast. Please.’

‘I was afraid of that. Okay, give mummy one minute. Can you count to sixty?’

Daniel stared at me blankly.

‘Okay, just one minute.’

I tiptoed to Ronit’s door, feeling awful for waking her. I knocked lightly, nothing. I knocked a bit harder, was that a groan, or a voice?

I opened the door slowly; I could see Ronit, clearly sleeping. But she had something in her hand, it looked like a small piece of paper. I glanced into the dim room and my eyes narrowed onto it; it was a photo. I think it was a photo of me. At that point, Ronit woke with a start.

‘Esti.’ She sat up, squinting and blinking. She must have noticed she had the picture, because she stuffed it under the duvet. ‘Are you okay? Is everything okay?’

‘Yes, yes, everything is fine. I was just, wondering if I can turn on the hob?’

‘Of course, yes. Flick the switch by the fridge.’ She gave a husky yawn and stretched her arms out. ‘Is it late?’

‘No,’ I said, catching myself staring at her. ‘It’s really early, go back to sleep.’

‘No, no. I’ll get up. If you’re both up.’

She swung her bare legs out of bed, and I noticed she was wearing a vest and underwear and nothing else. I looked over my shoulder quickly; Daniel was on the couch playing.

I tiptoed a bit further into the room, I don’t know what was carrying me. Perhaps I was past caring, perhaps I knew that Ronit wouldn’t mind or better… she would want me to.

I trod lightly to her side of the bed, where she was pulling on a pair of silk pyjama bottoms. She looked up at me to speak, but I took her face in my hands and kissed her. She returned it immediately, her mouth opening for my tongue.

At that moment, all I could hear was the light smacking of our lips, and her hands moving around my waist. I pulled away from her before the heat developing in my pelvis swathed me.

‘Good morning.’ I said, my voice slightly breaking.

‘Hi.’ Her voice was gentle and soft, as though she were cashmere and I could wrap myself up in her.

‘I really did just come in here for kitchen advice.’ I said while her arms pulled me closer.

‘I believe you.’ Ronit’s smile met mine, and she kissed me again.

‘Also, I need the cartoons on.’

‘Okay, okay. I’m coming.’

* * *

Ronit ended up cooking breakfast that morning. She was tired the whole day, I’m sure. She never made a fuss though, which eased my guilt. She and Daniel made their piggy noises and Daniel watched cartoons and we all got dressed and ready to go out into Manhattan.

We were heading to the Natural History museum today, I think I might have been more excited than Daniel. Science and history had always been my favourite subjects; I tried to project it onto Daniel, but he was still too young.

‘Give him time.’ Ronit said, while I read every word on the tiny placard next to the glass exhibit holding the bones of a very long dead Egyptian peasant.

‘I can’t wait to take him to the museums in London.’ Daniel was standing to my right, Ronit to my left. Daniel was tugging on my hand, restless and bored. ‘Daniel, look at this, look-’

‘You’re quite a big nerd, aren’t you?’ Ronit was laughing at my poor attempt to engage Daniel.

‘I am. He will be a nerd too. He will.’

‘There’s a whole kids’ interactive section through there, shall I take him over?’

‘No,’ I was distracted by a golden sarcophagus in the corner. ‘No, I’ll come. You’re sweet though, thank you. Let’s all go and play!’ I said loudly enough so that Daniel could hear me.

He jumped up and down and tugged on my hand animatedly.

‘Yay! Let’s play! Play!’

‘Which way is it?’ I asked Ronit.

‘Out there.’ Ronit indicated to the doors of the Egyptian exhibit. I was quite sad to be leaving it, I wondered if I’d have time to come back and read more later. But then I felt Ronit’s warm fingers entwining with mine. ‘I’ll lead the way.’

She smiled at me and I forgot all about Egypt, reading and learning and I floated through the doors holding hands with the two people I loved most in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you to everyone who has left kudos or comments. Your kindness and encouragement is humbling, and I just hope I continue to tell the story you all want to read.
> 
> Again, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter.


	8. The Night

I held Esti’s hand for quite a while in the museum, though we never acknowledged it with words. Our hands naturally came apart when we played with Daniel, and when Esti needed to hold him, or guide him through the children’s play area, but after that they would return to one another. Our fingers would interlock, and I would stroke her thumb with my own. She gave a contended sigh at one point, and I glanced at her and she was beaming.

I didn’t try and hold her hand when we left the museum in the late afternoon. The air was still warm and confining, I didn’t want her hands to clam up or for her to be uncomfortable. But she took my hand of her own accord when we were sitting on the subway.

She sat next to me with Daniel snoozing against her. Neither of us said much as we rattled through the noisy tunnels, but we exchanged smiles every now and then. My hands were resting on my lap, painfully close to her snowy white legs; I thought about putting my hand on them. But I didn’t have to, because she reached across and slid her hand on top of mine, brushing my thigh lightly with the tips of her fingers. A rush of emotion hit my chest and my heart was beating hard and fast.

I’d taken a risk by holding her hand, like Esti had when she’d come into my bedroom and kissed me in the morning. We seemed to be in a state of pushing boundaries, taking blind leap after blind leap and assuming we would always land on our feet.

It sounded childish and silly, that we gambled on holding hands and kisses after we’d already had sex. But Esti and I had always had _that_ sort of relationship. For a long time, I accepted that it was always just sex and that’s all it would ever be. I told myself repeatedly that our history, with all of its weird quirks and odd behavior, was always down to a repressed childhood. Neither of us knew what we were doing when we were teenagers, so we took to each other to explore.

It was immediately after my last trip to London that the convincing narrative became muddled and contorted. We had taken to old ways so quickly, unquestionably and ardently, how could it just have been sex?

Maybe it wasn’t just sex.

But that would mean it was something else…

When we got back to the apartment with dinner, I was excited and energised. As though holding Esti’s hand had charged me; I was so full of energy that after dinner I suggested that Daniel and I dance together, which he was incredibly eager to do.

I found a Disney album online and played it; a jaunty, animated voice started singing against a plodding, digitalized tune. Daniel yelped and held my hands, his knees bent and swayed as he bopped along. I swung him around and picked him up and he giggled. I turned around to find Esti, she was standing in the kitchen with a camera in her hands.

Her flash snapped us.

‘Oh, you horror!’ I joked, still dancing as Daniel bopped in my arms. ‘Come and dance, mum.’

‘No, no. Someone has to wash up.’ Esti put the camera down on the side and turned around.

‘Come and dance mum!’ I repeated, urging Daniel with my eyes to mimic me.

‘Come and dance mum!’ Daniel yelled obediently, a huge grin on his face.

Esti continued to refuse until mine and Daniel’s persistence wore her down, and she slumped over to us, her shoulders hunched forward, fake pouting.

‘Yay!’ Daniel and I exclaimed in unison, and Daniel lunged for her. She took him in her arms and danced with him.

I watched them both, Esti spinning Daniel and Daniel throwing his head back and laughing, and suddenly a voice rattled in my head and left me petrified.

 _This is temporary_ , it grumbled. _Remember that._

I gulped away the feeling and forced a smile again.  I got my own camera out and started taking pictures of them, ignoring the negative and absorbing the beauty of the moment. When the song ended and faded into quiet, they both cheered and I got a beautiful shot of Daniel’s arms in the air and Esti gazing at him with joy painted over her face.

‘Well, I think it’s time for bed.’ Esti nuzzled her face into Daniel’s cheek.

‘Noo,’ Daniel cried out. ‘One more? One more, please?’

‘No darling, we need to calm down now.’ Esti said, setting Daniel down on the sofa. ‘You can stay up and watch some cartoons with milk though.’

‘Okay.’ Daniel groaned and fell back onto the couch next to me.

 ‘I’ll put the cartoons on.’ I said, reaching for the remote.

‘Thank you.’ Esti said, and she leant down and pecked my lips, as though it were completely normal and natural. Daniel looked at us and giggled.

‘Sorry.’ Esti mouthed.

‘No, don’t be.’ I whispered back.

She made her way to the kitchen and Daniel and I sat together on the sofa. With a warmth in my stomach, I asked him questions about the cartoon dogs and he told me all of their names and what they did. We were getting into the detail when Esti returned with his milk.

He took it, thanked her and then did something that neither me or Esti were expecting. He shuffled backwards and rested his head on my chest, snuggling into me.

I looked at Esti for an idea of how to react, but her features had softened so much she looked like she might cry. I brought my arm around Daniel; his body was so small that he fit perfectly in the crook of my arm and his short legs curved over mine.

We sat like that until he fell asleep, which wasn’t long afterwards. He didn’t even finish his milk.

‘He was so awake, like five minutes ago.’ I whispered over his head to Esti, who laughed.

‘He gets like that when he’s overtired.’ She stretched out and stood up.

‘How do you know the difference between overtired and just energetic?’ I enquired, genuinely curious.

Esti shrugged and she lifted Daniel carefully from the sofa. ‘You just do, I suppose.’ She whispered back and disappeared with Daniel. I heard the door creak open and listened to her talking to Daniel in a hushed, low voice.

When she returned, she sat next to me so that our bare legs were touching.

‘I had fun today.’ She said, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. She hesitated a moment before leaning in to kiss me.

‘What was your favourite part?’ I asked, permitting my hand to run up her smooth leg.

‘Seeing Daniel and you, together, all day.’

We spoke in between kisses, which moved from lips to cheek to jaw. Her hands moved up my torso, pulling at the shirt I was wearing.

‘What was yours?’ She said, biting my neck tenderly.

‘It was the dancing, but,’ I felt her mouth on my bare shoulder, ‘this is a close second.’

Esti groaned. ‘I’ve wanted to kiss you so much today.’

Again the voice rumbled in my head and I felt that crippling sadness creeping back into my heart. I pushed Esti onto her back and moved down her body, unfastening her shorts and pulling them down to her ankles. I felt her body tremble with anticipation as my lips brushed against her silky stomach. Her hips jutted when I reached the mound between her legs and her fingers moved either side of my head. I took her into my mouth, flicking and rolling my tongue, until I felt her on the verge, until I could feel every muscle contracting beneath my touch, until she was ready.

She came silently, her fingers balled into fists in my hair and her hips bucked gently until her entire body was still with only her chest dropping and rising as she caught her breath.

I moved up to lie on her chest. My apartment was cool, but our skin was sticky and clammy. Esti continued stroking the fine hairs behind my ears.

‘You didn’t tell me much about Beth… when we were emailing.’ I said, once Esti’s chest had assumed a consistent movement.

‘That’s… a strange time to mention that.’ Esti responded, I could hear the frown in her voice.

‘I’m just curious.’

‘What do you want to know?’ Esti’s fingers tensed.

‘I don’t know, just more about it. It was a proper relationship, was it?’

‘Well, not really... I suppose maybe.’ Esti brought her knees together and her body shifted underneath mine. ‘She was a teacher at school, we talked and saw each other outside school a few times.’

‘And she wanted to move in too soon?’

‘She asked to move in, and I told her that she couldn’t.’ Esti’s fingers resumed stroking me. ‘She left the school after that, but she’d told other teachers that she couldn’t afford living in London.’ Esti paused. ‘So, I think she just wanted somewhere to live.’

‘Did that upset you?’

‘No.’ Esti scoffed.

‘Did you really like her?’

‘No.’ She looked down, trying to catch my eyes ‘Ronit, why are you asking these questions?’

And I couldn’t answer her. I didn’t know why I was asking. Maybe I wanted to know that if she was hurt this time, that she might be capable of finding someone else. Someone better for her, someone dependable.

‘If you’re asking whether…’ Esti started. ‘If you’re asking whether I loved her as much-’

‘No, no.’ I had to cut her off. I couldn’t hear it. ‘I wasn’t asking that. I was just curious, that’s all.’

‘I’ve known you for thirty years,’ Esti yawned. ‘And sometimes I still don’t understand you.’

‘Is that your way of saying I’m mysterious?’

Esti laughed. ‘No-’

‘Enigmatic? Alluring?’ I joked.

My hands slid up and tickled her ribs and she tossed around and we began kissing.

‘What about you?’ Esti pushed my shoulders back slightly and pulled her lips away from mine. ‘You didn’t tell me anything about you.’

‘What about me?’

‘Have you been with anyone since…’

‘No, not really.’

‘You’ve said that before. What does that mean?’

‘It means, I haven’t been with any one. I haven’t had any relationships.’

‘But you’ve had flings.’

‘Flings.’ I chuckled. ‘You sound so old fashioned. But yes, if we’re using that word then I have had _flings_.’

‘With women?’

I hesitated. What was she trying to get from this? I chewed on my bottom lip and looked into her eyes and said, ‘It’s never women.’

Esti nodded slowly. ‘I thought so.’

Our bodies hugged closer in the heat, I felt her body pulsing and her skin was flushed.

‘I can’t imagine you with men.’ She said with an innocent thoughtfulness.

‘Can you not?’ I kissed under her chin. ‘That’s odd. I’m very straight. So, incredibly heterosexual.’ Between each word there was another kiss, I reached her ear and bit her earlobe gently.

She exhaled with ragged breath and pulled my face to hers, she kissed me deeply; it reminded me of our kisses in the hotel in London. Her tongue licked mine and I felt one of her hands sliding into my underwear.

I was still over her, so I started to rock slowly on her fingers.

‘Fuck.’ I whispered into her ear as my hips moved faster and harder until I felt a rising in my chest; a choking sensation that soared from my stomach all the way to my eyes where little lights popped, and I whimpered hoarsely and dropped slightly onto Esti.

 

‘Are you tired?’ Esti asked after a long while of us laying still.

My head jolted when she spoke, I suppose I’d fallen asleep.

‘Hm? Oh, yeah.’

‘Were you asleep? I’m sorry, I-’

‘No, don’t be. We should probably go to bed.’

‘It’s been a long day.’

I started to get up and my limbs were shaky, I was looking forward to sleeping. It had been a long day.

‘Do you need anything?’ I asked Esti as we reached no man’s land again, the space in between our bedrooms where neither of us addressed the elephant in the room.

‘No, thank you.’

I smiled at her. ‘Well, I’ll see you in the morning.’ I turned to go to my room when I heard her.

‘Ronit,’ she spoke with her arms folded. ‘Maybe… maybe I could sleep in your bed.’

It was a question, but it also wasn’t. My throat dried up.

‘What about Daniel?’

‘I think he’ll be okay. He sleeps in his own room at home, and he knows your flat now…’

‘If you’re sure.’ My heart was thumping against my ribs.

‘I am.’ Esti said taking several steps forward and taking my hand again.

We got into my bedroom, it was slightly larger than the spare. My king bed pressed against the far wall, with two bedside cabinets either side hugging it. The bed sat there, unmade and ruffled; Esti sat on it, looking at me directly. She started taking off her shorts and bra and I followed her. Together we climbed under the thin summer sheets. We faced each other, her small kisses dusted my face as her arms wrapped around me and she pressed her stomach against mine.

She was so warm, but it was pleasant. Our legs twisted together, and my arm found its way around her hips so that my hand was resting on her lower back.

‘Goodnight.’ I heard her voice ebb into the darkness, wrapping me in happiness.

I fell asleep thinking about the scent of her hair.


	9. The Talk

I woke in the morning with a start; the hazy summer sun was playing on the blinds, streams of light floated into the room and had settled on the pale skin of Ronit’s back. She had turned over onto her front, so I couldn’t see her face, but I could hear her breathing. Regular, deep, quiet breaths. Lightly I allowed my finger tips to brush the fine, blonde hairs on her arm, she exhaled with a slight whimper.

I decided not to push it, I didn’t want to wake her… that would be selfish. I rose from the bed and pulled on the clothes I had taken off the night before. I moved in silence, treading softly on the wooden floor. I had slept so deeply that I still felt the remnants of sleep in my joints. Sleeping next to Ronit had acted as a tonic; I felt so groggy, as though I could sleep forever.

I poked my head into Daniel’s room, expecting to see him bright and alert, but he was still sleeping. What was the time?

I made my way to the kitchen and checked my phone. It was quarter past 6, a justified yawn fell from my mouth. I went to the sofa and lay there. I thought about the day before; holding hands in the museum, Ronit playing with Daniel in the park on the way home, and the moment after dinner when Ronit had lifted Daniel and they had spun and danced and laughed. Without realising immediately, I blinked away a few tears. They rolled down my cheeks, soaking into the fabric of the sofa beneath me. We only had seven days left, and the first four had gone so quickly. It was as though I had a stopwatch lodged in my chest, loud and obnoxious, ticking away the time until it finally reached zero. And what would happen then? Would I have to reset it to an unknown amount of time again? I saw myself cranking the cogs and twisting the dial blindly, guessing when I’d see her and promising myself that it would get better.

But it had been decades, and it had never got better. Having Daniel had obviously changed my life, and my outlook. He was my everything, and I would do anything I could for him. And if Ronit was bad for him, I would never even dream of her again.

But she wasn’t bad for him. She was perfect for him. He was perfect for her. They were perfect together. The tears were plentiful now, I shuddered away sobs and wiped my face with my hands. At one point I brought a cushion over my face just so I could bawl.

The pain was unbearable when I acknowledged it. So then I made a decision not to. I was going to ignore it, that’s what everyone else does. People disregard their desires and feelings all the time and I would be no different. I would enjoy the holiday, and when it ended, it ended.

Of course, telling myself that was easier than making it possible.

For a while I sat there breaking my newly established rule; I thought about what this Monday would be like if Daniel and I lived here with Ronit.

Ronit would be getting ready for work in an hour or so, and I’d stay in bed with a coffee. Daniel would toddle into our room and climb into bed with me. Ronit would leave for work, kissing me and hugging Daniel before she left. I’d get ready with Daniel, and I’d take him to nursery and then I’d go to work.

In the evenings I’d pick Daniel up and we’d come home, though some days Ronit would collect him from nursery when I had to stay late for school events. In those situations I’d get home and Ronit would have made dinner, she’d have already bathed Daniel and he’d be in his pyjamas ready for his story in bed.

And after that Ronit and I would sit together, watching mind-numbing television or a movie or just talking. We’d go to bed, I would be free to touch her skin, her hair. There would be no awkwardness, no rush, and no distance.

I wrenched myself out of the illusion. I heard a siren wailing past the flats and the first sounds of morning traffic below us.

 _Enjoy it._ I told myself. _Because it’ll all be over soon._

I took a deep breath; my eyes had dried but they still felt itchy and red and my mouth was gluey.

I will enjoy it, I told myself, and I won’t think about the end. If you’re enjoying a good meal, you never think about the part when it’s all over and you’re paying the bill. You savour every bite, each subtle taste of the plate in front of you. And that’s what I must do.

I heard a small, familiar patter of feet behind me.

‘Hello my gorgeous boy.’ I turned around.

Daniel’s eyes were barely open. ‘Where’d you go?’ He asked, his voice was in that gorgeous, sleepy tone that I adored.

‘I went right here baby.’ I knelt down and held out my arms; he shuffled into them, his little toes slapping against the floor.  

‘Are you tired?’ He asked again, rubbing his own eyes and yawning. 

‘I am a little bit.’

‘You’ll be okay, you’ll be okay.’ He repeated and stroked my hair, those were the words I always said to him when he fell or hurt himself.

‘Will I?’ I asked, with perhaps more sincerity than I meant.

‘Yes, you’ll be okay.’

And his arms clasped around my neck and he buried his face into my hair.

‘Thank you, Daniel.’

‘S’okay.’

 

* * *

 

 

The three of us floated through the days that followed. We went to the New York Public Library and by chance there was a children’s story time event going on which Daniel joined while Ronit and I watched. The woman hosting it was fantastically entertaining, and he had a wonderful time.

He didn’t have as much fun at Times Square; he saw a giant, human-sized Elmo and it scared him so much that he started crying. I tried to calm him down to no avail, but Ronit succeeded when she took us into a toy store just around the corner.

I told Daniel he had the money from Dovid and he could buy himself a toy. He tried to buy everything he saw, and I grew weary of saying ‘no’, but eventually he settled on a box of vehicle figurines; a firetruck, a police car, an ambulance, a working crane. He was overjoyed with it, hugging it to his chest as he held my hand.

We visited the Empire State Building, though I refused to go to the window which Ronit found hilarious.

‘I never knew you had a fear of heights.’ She said softly on our way home. We were in a taxi on our way back from a Mexican restaurant she’d suggested.

‘I didn’t know I had a fear of heights until today.’ I replied. ‘Everything here is huge.’

Every evening after sightseeing ended with Ronit, Daniel and I eating dinner, whether we were in Ronit’s flat or out. We’d started to put Daniel to bed together, the first time was because Daniel had asked Ronit if she could. After that, she joined us every night and sat with me whilst I read him stories. Sometimes she’d join in and speak in funny voices over my shoulder, which delighted Daniel.

Ronit and I would sit together afterwards, we’d talk about the days gone and the days ahead, never mentioning mine and Daniel’s leaving. Though it was growing like a thick cloud in my periphery, as though we were driving along a dirt road towards a hurricane, and I was beginning to feel the first drops of rain.

In the evenings we would kiss and explore each other in new ways, ways that were unknown to us previously. It was the only time I could forget about time, indulging myself in her body. We found different ways to pleasure each other, though it was always in silence.

Most evenings passed like this, a miniature routine. Though we both knew it wouldn’t last. One night, both of us shimmering with sweat and out of breath on her bed, Ronit started laughing.

‘What?’ I puffed.

‘It’s just…’ She began, a wide smile stretching across her beautiful mouth. ‘It’s just, we’ve perfected being quiet, haven’t we?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Our whole lives, we’ve been secretive, silent… we’re just so good at it.’

I leant on my elbow and faced her, our eyes met. ‘Does it bother you? Having to be quiet?’

‘No,’ she rolled to face me and stroked my cheek. ‘I’m talking nonsense, don’t listen to me.’

I didn’t speak for a while, wondering how best to say what I wanted to say. Crafting the words in my head, combing them through finely and making sure I spoke clearly. I finally said, ‘I’ve enjoyed being so open with you.’

‘Hm?’ She replied; I was slightly disappointed.

‘This holiday, I’ve enjoyed… being so open. You know, out in public, with Daniel, just generally being free.’

I propped myself up on one of the pillows and studied her expression.

‘It’s been… different.’ Ronit said, to which I retorted with a frown.

‘Different… in a good way?’ I asked, reassuring myself.

‘Well… yes. No, yes clearly, it’s been good. But also,’ she paused. ‘Has it?’

‘I don’t understand.’

Ronit sighed and closed her eyes. ‘You do.’ She said simply. The simmering contentment that had washed over me minutes ago had drained away, dripping from my fingertips.

‘No, I don’t understand.’ I stated, probably knowing what Ronit was hinting at, but her persistent refusal to be honest was infuriating. ‘Why don’t you tell me?’

‘Esti,’ she looked at me with one of her coy smiles. ‘You know what I mean. Let’s not get into it-’

‘No, I think we should.’

‘Not now.’ She groaned and turned away from me.

‘Why not now?’

‘Because you have three days left! I don’t want to ruin it.’

I waited. ‘It’ll ruin it if you don’t tell me.’

Her back was still to me, her head drooped. ‘I’ve already told you.’ She said, scratching her elbow. ‘I don’t want you to leave.’

She finally turned to me, and I melted into her dark cocoa eyes. ‘But you have to leave. And I’ll miss you.’

Was this it?

Were we having _that_ conversation now? A fizz bubbled in my stomach. In my head I’d already lived this talk a thousand times before. Though in my thoughts we were usually clothed.

I went to speak, but she spoke over me.

‘I hope one day you find someone who is good for you.’

At that moment, I swear I could hear my heart crumbling.

‘Ronit,’ was all I could muster. And then there was silence for a long time. Just the constant sirens outside, Daniel loved hearing them. And at this moment, I was grateful for them; they covered up the sound of my beating heart. All things considered, I never imagined our conversation would be like this.

‘I told you I’d ruin it.’ Ronit admitted, tears in her eyes.

‘But you _are_ good for me.’ I said with urgency. ‘Ronit, you are.’ I leant over to her, putting my hands on her shoulders and face, bringing her crying face to mine.

‘I’m not.’ Ronit said.

‘But you are, you are.’ I kissed her eyes, her nose, her mouth. ‘Is this what you’ve been worrying about?’

‘You need someone better.’

‘You’re what I need Ronit.’

‘No, you don’t.’

‘And you need me.’ I said with forced insistence. My whole body was shaking, I needed to be strong. But Ronit didn’t respond. She just cried while I held her. It occurred to me that I’d never seen her cry properly before, she was always so dry, so stoic.

‘It’s funny.’ She said after a while of me holding her. ‘I’ve left you in the past, more than once. And I never had to comfort you whilst you had a breakdown.’

I smiled and stroked her arm. ‘I was always devastated when you left. But I never wanted to hold you back.’

‘That’s how I feel.’ Ronit sniffed.

‘Do you ever think…’ Ronit looked up at me as I pondered. ‘That we’re holding each other back from… each other?’

Ronit wiped her eyes and laughed again. ‘I suppose we are.’

‘And do you suppose… we shouldn’t do that?’

Ronit let out a loud groan. ‘I don’t know Esti. I don’t know. We used to live such different lives, it was easier – so much easier – to justify it. But now – you’re out of that hellhole and I just don’t…’

‘…see a reason not to try?’

‘It’ll be so difficult.’ She put a hand on my cheek. ‘There’ll be so much waiting.’

I covered her hand with mine, I kissed her palm and then kissed her lips.

‘I’ve spent my entire life waiting for you. It wouldn’t make a difference to wait a bit longer.’

Ronit’s eyes glinted with tears again, but she was smiling.

‘Shall we, then? Shall we try it?’ She asked, the deafening pulse in my ears distorted her words.

‘Yes.’ I said, a little too quickly. ‘Yes, I want that.’ I kissed her, and she kissed me back. ‘I want that more than anything else.’

‘Then, let’s try it. Long distance. Until we… until we figure something else out.’

I danced to the words in my head, she had finally said them. After thirty years, she had said, well… not the words I wanted her to say entirely, but this was the closest I could wish for.

We fell back onto the pillows and kissed. Ronit’s tearful face dampened mine, but I didn’t care. We were kissing with a new vigour, we had something to work for now, there was something ahead of us after so much uncertainty. The sun was glowing behind the storm clouds.

‘Ugh, sorry. My face is a mess.’ Ronit said, sniffing. ‘I’m going to go and wash up.’

‘Okay.’

Ronit pecked my lips, wrapped herself in a cardigan and stalked into the bathroom. I heard the shower start. Ronit’s shower was incredible, it was perfectly chrome and a huge walk in space. You didn’t have to use any dials or cranks to get it to work, you simply put in the temperature and pressed a button and then it was all done for you. A massive square shower head poured down, a heavy, relaxing stream of hot water.

It gave me an idea. I rose from the bed, still nude, and made my way into the bathroom. The steam had already risen and fogged up the mirror. I saw Ronit’s blurry frame behind the glass panel. I closed the door behind me and she looked up with a start.

She took a minute, as I stood there facing her… but eventually she slid open the shower door, wafting steam into me. I stepped towards her and joined her in the shower; flecks of water hit my face and torso until I was fully submerged under the stream of water with Ronit. She opened her arms and enveloped me, our mouths met, and my hand ran over her chest and stomach, then lower until I heard her gasp, she bit her lip.

‘Be loud.’ I said, as my fingers slid inside her. ‘Please, be loud.’

The water cascaded around us, pouring down and soaking our bodies. My arm moved faster, and Ronit moaned into my ear with my body pressing hers against the ceramic tiles. I took in all of my senses; the touch of her wet skin, the smell of the cherry shampoo, the sound of her satiated sighs, the sight of her body. The first time I had seen her body in full view, with light, I could sense her vulnerability and my own. She came, loudly, but the sound of the waterfall around us masked it.

‘I love you.’ I whispered to her as she leant against me.

But I don’t think she heard me.


	10. The Beach

She had said the words. The three little words, that I hadn’t said back. But maybe she didn’t even mean for me to hear them. Maybe it was a spontaneous outburst… a mistake.

But I knew Esti, and of course she had meant to say them. Why hadn’t I said it back? I could very easily say the words, and I _would_ mean them. But it didn’t feel right, as though… there needed to be a time, a special time, when I acknowledged it all with her and spoke the three words that would cement us together.

When would that time come?

* * *

‘I have a surprise for you both.’ I admitted to Daniel and Esti on the Friday. The weather was hot and sticky, so we’d spent the morning indoors with the windows open and air conditioning on.

‘Oh?’ Esti was on the floor, laying on her stomach and playing with Daniel. They were both whizzing the trucks around on the rug, Daniel was making loud siren noises, but I didn’t mind.

‘I remember you said a while back that instead of New York, you might take a trip to Brighton. To go to the beach and see the sea and do all of that seaside stuff.’

‘I did say that.’ Esti looked up at me and laughed. ‘Not in those words exactly.’

‘Semantics.’ I said sitting beside her on the floor, placing my hand on the small of her back. ‘Well, _I_ thought why not have the best of both worlds?’

‘Is there a beach in New York?’

‘I went to the beach with my daddy.’ Daniel piped up, his focus still on the cars in his small hands. Esti shook her head and mouthed the words ‘he didn’t’ to me.

‘Did you really Daniel?’ I asked.

‘Yep, him and me and Shayna and daddy threw bread to the birds and they screamed.’

‘Wow, that sounds fun. Is Shayna fun? Do you like her?’

‘Yes, like Shayna.’ Daniel catapulted his toy ambulance onto the sofa.

‘Ah, well you’re young. You’ll learn.’

Esti hit my leg but I could see she was stifling a giggle.

‘Tell us about the beach then.’ She said, returning to her game with Daniel. My fingers had developed into a stroking motion on her back, her vest had rolled up.

‘It’s not in the City, but if we drive out a little bit… there’s a gorgeous beach on Long Island. I thought we could take a road trip tomorrow, with a picnic and buckets and spades and the like.’

‘That sounds incredible! Doesn’t that sound fun Daniel?’

‘Yes!’ Daniel replied excitedly as children do when adults act the same way.

‘Well, I’m glad it’s a ‘Yes’ because I’ve already bought the picnic basket.’

Esti smiled and leaned up to kiss me, so I leant down to meet her lips. Daniel still giggled when we did this in front of him, but it was becoming more and more normal each time.

‘You’re quite sweet.’ Esti said. ‘Does this mean we need to make picnic food? I can help.’

‘Oh, I just thought we could go and buy it all.’

‘No, no! Half the fun of a picnic is making the food and packing it.’

‘Right… I clearly don’t have the right sort of picnics. What food shall we make? Daniel, what do you want in the picnic?’

‘Aaahhhh… burgers.’

‘Right, Esti we’ll have burgers please. Nothing more.’

‘Nooo.’ Esti laughed. ‘We need cucumber sandwiches, pink lemonade, a fruit pie.’

‘Esti, you are aware we aren’t in Victorian England?’ She prodded my ribs. ‘Ah, okay, okay. That all does sound lovely.’

We went grocery shopping after Esti had made a list of all the picnic food and ingredients we’d need. After that we spent the afternoon cooking; Daniel helped where he could. Esti let him roll out the pastry, which was his favourite activity by far.

By the evening, we had a full picnic basket: a raspberry pie, cucumber sandwiches, cheese sandwiches, crisps, a salad and homemade lemonade.

 

The next morning, we set out quite early. The car was packed up with everything we needed and more for a day trip. Daniel demanded he bring his teddy, his truck and all of his vehicles but Esti had insisted he bring just one toy. In the end, Daniel didn’t bring any after I’d shown him his very own bucket and spade.

He sat in his car seat, clattering them together and talking to himself while Esti rode in the front with me. She was wearing shorts again today, I had really enjoyed seeing her legs on this trip – not just because they were beautiful, but because of what it represented. It was something you wouldn’t understand the delight of unless you’d been restricted from doing it. Exposing the flesh on your legs, feeling a breeze on them when the weather was hot, such a simple joy. It reminded me of the carefree Esti that I had known when we were teenagers; the one who would rip her tights off and kiss me hungrily in the hydrangea bush, as our smooth legs caressed each-

‘Ronit, are you okay?’ Esti interrupted my thoughts. ‘You’ve gone red.’

‘It’s really hot, aren’t you hot?’ I stuttered a bit, flicking a button to turn the air conditioning on.

‘It’s a bit hot. Do you think the beach will be busy?’

‘It will be most likely, but we’ll head towards the end of it. There’s usually a quiet spot near the white grass.’

‘It sounds beautiful. Thank you for taking us.’

‘It’s no problem at all.’ I smiled as we veered onto the Parkway that would take us most of the way to Long Island. Thinking about our younger selves had reminded me of something that I had, up to this point, forgotten to tell Esti. ‘Did you know…’ I continued. ‘After I left England, the last time… I tried to get in touch with you.’

‘Mm.’ I saw Esti shift in my periphery, she was looking at me.

‘But Dovid was useless, I couldn’t get in contact with him. Changed his number or something else unhelpful. And Moshe and Fruma essentially told me to f…’ I peered at Daniel in the backseat. ‘Well they told me to get lost, basically. So, I had no way of finding you, and do you know what I did? Out of sheer desperation?’

Esti shook her head. ‘What did you do?’

‘I subscribed to the newsletter of the _Bais Yaakov_ you taught at.’

‘Oh Ronit.’ Esti sounded sad, but then she started laughing. Really, really laughing. ‘That’s insane. Why did you do that?’

‘You know I still haven’t unsubscribed. I get them every Friday. I got one last night. It’s been three years.’

Esti had bent forward, her hand covering her mouth, shuddering with joy. Once she’d calmed down, she asked: ‘So, what’s the news then?’

‘Well, I’m glad you asked. Do you remember Daniela Freedman, she was a few years above us? Her parents owned the pharmacy on the main road.’

‘Eurgh,’ Esti wiped her eyes. ‘Yes. She was awful.’

‘Was, and still is. The past few editions have focused on her twins in particular. They are both leads in the school play, and they both front the music concert, they won joint first prize at the art show, they are the fastest readers at reading club. Esti, I know your powers of deduction may struggle here, but I will give you one guess as to who writes those newsletters.’

‘I couldn’t possibly guess.’

We laughed and spoke for the entire hour’s drive to Long Island. It felt as though the musty air of awkwardness we carried around with us had burned away. It had seemed to fizzle the night we’d agreed to give ourselves a chance, as though the simple acknowledgement of our complicated relationship was all we needed.

When we arrived, the spot I’d had in mind was deserted.

‘Our very own private beach.’ I declared.

‘Our beach!’ Daniel mimicked me and fell into the sand.

We laid our towels in the shade of the long grass, a place that would stay cool all day even when the Sun moved across the sky. The first thing we did was remove our shoes and run into the shallows, paddling up to our ankles. Esti and I held each of Daniel’s hands and lifted him up high, and then dropped him back into the water.

‘Again! Again, again!’ He shouted with utter glee, and we did, until our arms got tired.

I helped him build a giant two storey sandcastle, which I mostly built… it took me quite a while actually.

‘He’ll have more fun tearing that down than seeing you build it.’ Esti warned me as she soaked Daniel in sun cream.

‘No, he wouldn’t do that.’ I said, drawing a pattern into the castle with a twig. ‘Look, Daniel, here is the entrance to the -’

And then he walked through it, legs kicking and giggling. ‘I’m giant!’

Esti pursed her lips and scratched her cheek. ‘I did say.’

By the middle of the day, the heat was sweltering, and more people had joined us, despite Daniel trying to get them to move away because it was, in fact, our beach. We ate our delicious lunch and drank the sweet lemonade that Esti had made and afterwards we rested in the sun while Daniel played in a small rockpool in front of us.

Esti’s fingers crept over to me at one point, and she stroked the back of my hand.

‘I think he’s having fun.’ She said softly.

‘I think the highlight of his day was destroying my castle.’

She laughed. ‘I wouldn’t take it personally. He really does care for you, I can tell. And I know you care about him.’

I looked up at her, her beautiful, soft, white skin and the light pink of her lips. ‘Is that so?’

‘Mmhm. You didn’t think I’d notice the edge guards on the doors, the tables?’

‘Maybe I’m just very clumsy.’

‘The caps on all the plugs?’

‘Maybe I enjoy sticking forks in outlets.’

‘Ronit.’

‘Sorry, no. Of course, I wanted him to be safe, of course I care about him. He’s your son, why wouldn’t I?’

Esti seemed content with that, and her stroking fingers worked their way up to my shoulders. ‘You should put more cream on.’

‘Yes mum.’ I said, which Esti responded to with a dig. ‘Sorry, sorry. Could you put it on though? I can’t get that far back.’

She didn’t say anything back but sprayed some of the lotion into her hand and rubbed it into my back and shoulder, lifting the straps of my vest. I wondered then, if there would ever be a point in the future where Esti’s touch wouldn’t make me feel full of longing.

‘There you go.’

‘Thank you. Me, 1; skin cancer, zero.’

‘God, you’re morbid.’ Esti said with a scoff. ‘Daniel? Come here please.’

‘No thanks!’ Daniel shouted back; it made me laugh.

‘Does that ever work?’ I asked. ‘Just for future reference?’

‘No, it doesn’t. Daniel, come here please.’

‘No thanks!’ Daniel shouted again.

‘Right, I’m coming to get you then!’ Esti said, a smile growing on her face.

‘Get him mum!’ I yelled, and Daniel squealed, jumped up and scampered as Esti chased him.

It happened then. As the green, frothy waves ebbed and flowed in front of me, I felt a new energy wash over me. The feeling was so tranquil and right, I had a sudden urge to preserve the moment forever. I’d never belonged to my family. I always felt like a splintered edge, poking out of the unit and never really feeling as though I was welcome. My father had never shown any interest in me, my mother… well I barely knew her before she died. And Dovid was too… Dovid. Closed off and emotionless.

I had wondered before, when I was desperate to fit in somewhere, what it would be like to have Esti as a sister, but that grew too strange, so I dropped the idea. But I had never considered the possibility that Esti and I could… be the basis of our own family.

Is this what it felt like?

Knowing the people around you were your life, that there was no one or nothing else that came above them. Knowing that you would do absolutely anything to keep them happy and safe?

I suppose that’s what it must feel like.

And for the first time in thirty-seven years… I had a family.

* * *

The drive back home was long. Daniel had fallen asleep very quickly into the drive, and Esti was dozing next to me. She’d caught a pinkness in her cheeks and shoulders from the sun, I thought about how lucky the sun was, that it could touch her porcelain skin in such a way. We rolled over the smooth stretch of roads in silence. The radio was on, very faintly I could hear a sad song, so I turned it off. I couldn’t let anything remind me of what tomorrow would be like. I had a jagged rock in my stomach when I thought about it. How could I say goodbye to them both?

I felt a tear stinging my eye, so I opened the window, relishing the warm breeze on my face. The sound of the wind eased Esti from her slumber and she sat up slightly.

‘Are you okay?’ She asked, her eyes half-open, half-asleep.

‘I’m fine, are you?’

‘Mm.’ She settled back against her seat. ‘I love you.’ She went quiet again.

A sharp lump rose in my throat, another jagged rock sprouting from the one deep in my stomach. When I was sure she was sleeping again, I opened my mouth.

‘I love you too.’ I whispered, silently. I couldn’t even hear the words myself.

* * *

We arrived at the apartment. Daniel and Esti were both exhausted, so we left everything for the morning and went straight to bed. I joined Esti in putting Daniel to bed and noticed their clothes had already been packed away, and two outfits sat out ready to be worn. Nausea hit my stomach, and I bit back a sob.

Esti and I kissed and stroked each other softly until she fell asleep; I laid awake for a few hours. I listened to her breathing and cursed myself that I hadn’t spent more time paying attention to that sound. Why had I slept so much the past week, when I could have been listening to Esti breathe, when I could have been watching her sleep? She inhaled and exhaled through her nostrils, it was a quiet noise, but it was relaxing. Every now and again, she would let out the tiniest whimper.

I checked the time, it was 3am. I got out of bed and quietly washed the buckets and spades in the kitchen sink, I cleaned the contents of the picnic basket and put the leftovers and lemonade in the fridge. It was mindless work, but it helped somewhat. I felt exhausted very suddenly and sloped back to the bedroom.

I slumped into bed and as I was fading away into sleep, I gently kissed Esti’s forehead.

‘I love you.’ I whispered again, and I could swear I saw a slight smile on her lips.


	11. The Departure

**Esti**

I woke with a wretched feeling in my stomach even though I had slept well; a good sleep was a welcome surprise given how sad I had been. There was something melancholic about our day at the beach. It was so full of beauty and joy, but simultaneously it was devastating. We were able to have fun, enjoy ourselves together; it was so unfair that we couldn’t continue to live like this. I shook it from my head. Ronit was still asleep next to me. Other mornings I would have left her; let her sleep while I go off and busy myself elsewhere, but this morning was different. Daniel and I had to leave in a matter of hours; I knew she wouldn’t mind.

‘Ronit?’ I spoke faintly, my forefinger tracing the dip of her spine. ‘Ronit?’

‘Mm? Esti?’ She turned over quickly.

‘Good morning.’ I bent forward and kissed her lips, they were soft and pale.

‘Good morning.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘What’s the time? Are we late?’

‘No, no, darling. We’re not late.’ I kissed her some more, and she kissed me back. Wordlessly and without having to explain, she seemed to know what I desired, and I felt her hand reaching. She gasped when she felt me.

‘What sort of dreams were you having?’ She asked with a sleepy smile that showed her perfect, white teeth.

‘Dreams about you.’ I groaned as I felt her fingers circling, teasing.

With one hand she curled her fingers inside me, and with the other, she touched my breasts, my neck, my hair. I leant over her, kissing her jaw and face until I felt the ecstasy building inside me, my elbows buckled. I fell onto her and moaned quietly into her ear as she raised her hips.

‘Fuck.’ Ronit purred.

I didn’t give her a chance to speak anymore, I moved down her body, removing her underwear and kissing, biting and sucking her inner thigh. She held my head and arched her back. I stayed away from the middle of her legs, from the place she so desperately needed me to be. I wanted to draw it out, to pretend I would be there forever.

‘Esti, please.’ I heard her beg, as her fingers tightened around my skull. She moved towards my mouth, raising and lowering her hips. Finally, I yielded and put my mouth on her. She let out a sigh, her body shook underneath me, I felt her leg twitch with every tender flick of my tongue. She came quietly, her legs closing together as I rolled my tongue more. She was breathless, her chest rising.

‘Come here.’ She said. ‘Please.’

I wiped my mouth and moved up her body. I raised my leg over hers and rested my head on her chest as her arms came around and hugged me close.

‘I’m… I’m really going to mi-’

‘We don’t have to talk about it Ronit.’ I said, stroking the pale skin over her breastbone.

‘Thank you.’ She said, after a while.

‘We can talk about breakfast instead.’ I suggested.

‘We can. I can make waffles. You liked those waffles from the diner, right?’

‘Can you make diner waffles?’

‘I’ll make better waffles than the diner.’

‘That’s big talk.’

Ronit was laughing, it was such a gift to see her smile. ‘Just you wait, Esti Kuperman. Just you wait.’

We showered together shortly after that, she washed my hair and I washed hers. To feel her fingers massaging my scalp, running through my hair with conditioner, it was all so therapeutic. But I always asked myself: are we making it worse for ourselves?

Ronit looked up a waffle recipe and I went to wake Daniel. He was so tired, but I had to get him washed and dressed.

‘We’re going home today darling.’

‘But I don’t want to.’ He whined as I pulled a t-shirt over his head.

‘I know, but we have to.’

‘Is Ronit coming?’

‘No, she has to stay here. She lives in New York.’

‘Can we live in New York?’

‘Maybe one day.’

That seemed to settle him, and he tottered off holding Peter and his truck. I packed his pyjamas into the suitcase and anything else of his that was scattered over the room. I heard Ronit speaking to him in the kitchen. They were talking about breakfast. When I was sure that everything had been packed, I wheeled the suitcase to the door and left it there, just out of view.

‘Breakfast smells good.’ I said, entering the kitchen. Ronit caught my eye and smiled.

‘It’ll be better than the diner, I promise you.’ She said. The weather was cooler today, and she was wearing a navy jumper that clung to her waist in a way that made me tremble.

The waffles were topped with maple syrup and whipped cream and they were delicious, and I told Ronit as much which made her endearingly smug. I had to kiss her at one point to get her to stop bragging, which made Daniel laugh. When breakfast had finished, we were drinking coffee in the kitchen whilst Daniel watched cartoons.

‘What shall we talk about now?’ Ronit asked, somewhat helplessly.

‘Now? Now we can talk about… the next time we’ll see each other.’

‘I’ll come to you.’ Ronit said without breath. ‘I’ll come to England.’

‘Our flat is so small, that’s my only worry.’

‘Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out. We will.’

I smiled and stroked her hand with my thumb.

‘And,’ she said taking a swig of coffee, ‘you’ve got that app I downloaded for you, haven’t you? It’s all set up, and it means we can text and call, and it’s all free. You know how it works?’

‘We went through it about a hundred times Ronit, I think I remember.’

‘Good, that’s good.’

‘So, you’ll come to England? When do you think that’ll be?’

‘I don’t know.’ Ronit replied, biting her lip. ‘Scott almost had a heart attack when I asked him for this week, so it might be a while.’

‘That’s okay.’ I took a sip of coffee. ‘Maybe Christmas?’

Ronit nodded. ‘Maybe Christmas.’ She smiled. ‘Or you know… hopefully before, and Christmas as well.’

‘Well I didn’t want to be greedy.’ I leant into her and kissed her, my fingers stroking the fabric of her jumper. Her hair was tied back, she looked so beautiful. She checked her watch.

‘I think we need to… go and take a drive...’

‘I think you’re right.’ I said, with a sinking in my chest. ‘Let me double check my bag.’

We were leaving it until the last possible minute, but it really was time to go. I checked my handbag, our passports, everything was there. How overjoyed I would have been to discover that my passport was missing, or that Daniel had flushed it down the toilet. But no, it was all ready, we were ready. And it was time to go.

 

* * *

  **Ronit**

 _Please, please._ I begged a god I didn’t believe in _. I’ll take anything, a fire at the terminal, a protest, weather problems, all flights grounded due to technical faults. Anything._

But of course, nothing happened. Everything was seamless. The drive to the airport was quick, the roads were surprisingly quiet, and we arrived in plenty of time. That meant lingering in a crappy café, drinking poor quality coffee just to draw it all out. I wish we could have been somewhere else, somewhere better.

Esti looked sad, but she had said not to talk about it this morning. We weren’t to address it, even though we were at the airport and soon they would be gone. I flicked the side of my mug with my finger.

‘Your check-in is closing in ten minutes.’ I said feebly, and Esti nodded.

‘We should probably go.’ She wouldn’t look me in the eyes, which I was relieved about. If I started looking into her eyes, I don’t think I would have been able to ever stop.

Esti stood up slowly, her movement methodical and thoughtful.

‘Daniel,’ she said brightly. ‘We have to say goodbye to Ronit now.’

Daniel jumped from his chair and moved around the table to me. He reached up and wrapped his arms around my neck, burying his face into my shoulder.

‘Bye Ronit.’ He said.

‘Goodbye Daniel, make sure you keep Peter and all of your cars safe, won’t you? And look after Mum.’

‘I will.’ He giggled and returned to his mother’s side.

I gulped away the jagged rock in my throat that hadn’t left me for a few days, I raised my eyes to Esti’s. She was looking at me, her eyes brimming with tears. She lifted her arms and wrapped them around my waist, pulling me towards her.

‘I can’t cry too much,’ she whimpered into my ear. ‘I don’t want to upset Daniel.’

‘I understand.’ I rasped with a shaky voice. ‘I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you so much.’ I kissed her neck, then pulled away from her and held her face, studying every freckle, every feature. ‘And I love you.’ The words came easily. ‘I love you, with everything I am. I love you.’ I kissed her again, and felt her tears moistening my shoulder.

‘I love you too.’ She said, her face bright red. ‘And I’ll text you; as soon as we land I’ll text you.’

‘Thank you.’ I said through a sob. My eyes were burning, my throat begging to cry.

‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’

She kissed me once more, she held my hand and squeezed it. She feigned a smile and let go, turning to leave. She and Daniel worked their way through the empty barriers and to the front desk. They stood there for a few minutes, Esti turned again and waved. And then just like that, she was gone.

* * *

I didn’t cry immediately. I had to get to the car in one piece, I had to drive home, I had to get up the stairs and open my door and fall into my empty apartment.

It was deserted, so empty, a shell. I dropped onto the sofa and howled. I choked several times on the painful, sharp sobs that poured from me. My face was wet with salty tears when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I opened it up. It was a text from Scott.

_So happy you’re back tomorrow. Been hectic without you x_

I threw my phone onto the floor and wept. I could smell Esti everywhere. I was so desperate not to have her aroma around that I pulled an old packet of incense sticks from under the sink and lit them all around the house. But it didn’t help. All I could think of was what Esti would say about them.

_They’re tacky and they smell awful._

I didn’t, couldn’t, look into my bedroom, or the spare room. I couldn’t bear it. I stayed in the living room and kept the TV blaring to distract me from the sudden silence. I wasn’t hungry, even if I was I couldn’t stop crying in time to do anything. Eventually, after calculating how many hours Esti’s plane had left in the air, I pleaded for sleep. On the sofa, I fell into a muddled, confusing nightmare.

 

I woke up the next morning with a start. My immediate thought was that Esti was still here, but she wasn’t. She was gone, Daniel was gone, the crushing feeling that enveloped my heart started again. I searched for my phone on the floor, it was under the coffee table. I had three messages from Esti.

_We just landed. It’s very late._

_I cried like a baby in the toilets on the way back._

_We’re home now. I love you, and I miss you more than I can describe._

I typed a message back.

_I’m so happy to hear you got home okay. I love you too, and I miss you unbearably. Are you awake?_

I got ready for work, well… I brushed my teeth, tied my hair back and threw on a shirt and a pair of trousers. My phone went off.

_I am awake, can I call?_

_Yes please!_

My phone rang, and I took a breath before answering.

‘Hi.’ My voice cracked.

‘Ronit.’ I could hear her smiling over the phone. ‘Long time no speak.’

I laughed, my skin breaking where it had dried due to tears. ‘I thought I made the awful jokes.’

‘Sorry, I should know better.’ Her voice was warming, even over the crackling phone line.

‘How was your flight?’

‘It was okay, it was sad, but Daniel and I watched a movie.’

‘That’s good. That’s really good. And you’re not back at school for a while, are you?’

‘Not for another two weeks. Are you going to work?’

‘I am, I’m going soon. What are you doing today?

‘Dovid is coming over this evening.’

‘Very nice. Is Shayna coming?’

‘Eurgh, yes. Another awkward gathering where she pretends I’m not here even when I’m handing her a cup of tea.’

I snorted. ‘Please don’t die of boredom, will you? I’d miss you dreadfully.’

‘I will really try my hardest.’

I waited for a moment. ‘I should go.’

‘It’s been so good speaking to you. And you’re sure this is free.’

‘As long as you’re paying your internet bills, it isn’t. But yes, there’s no charge.’

Esti paused then. ‘I hope you have a nice day.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

We said goodbye, and I hung up. All seemed calm again. I felt settled. She wasn’t that far away anymore.

I took a taxi to the office because the phone call had made me a little late, but I didn’t care.

I entered the building, with its modern, white edge and made my way through reception and up to the highest floor. I marched past our front desk, past my desk, past Billy’s desk, Lisa’s, Martin’s, Kris’ and straight into Scott’s office.

‘Ronnie!’ Scott cheered and jumped up from his desk. He darted over to me and pulled me into a bear hug.

‘Scott, I-’ I tried to speak, but my voice was muffled by his pressed suit.

‘Jesus I’ve missed you Ronnie. This week has been absolute-’

‘Scott, I reall-’

‘-ly crazy without you, I mean cuh-razy, we had this one job-’

‘Scott, listen to me!’

‘Woah, what is it?’

‘I want to move.’

‘Okay… you mean like, you want property advice? I know a great girl, does estates in Chelsea.’

‘No, I mean… I want to move to – to our London office.’

‘Our London off- what?’ Scott took a step back, his brow furrowed so hard it created one thick line across his forehead. ‘Our London office?’

‘Yes.’ I stood firm. ‘Do you think you could get me a placement there?’

‘Jesus, well-’

‘Scott, do you think you could get me there?’

‘Ronnie, you know it doesn’t work like that. I can’t just snap my fingers and let you go. We have contracts, clients... There are legal implications.’

‘I’d like you to ask, if that’s okay.’

‘I can ask, but they might not have any roles, they’re already fully staffed.’

‘Well…’ I felt the fantasy crumbling at the edges. ‘Please, would you ask?’

Scott bowed his head, then rubbed his face. ‘You’re just one thing after another.’

‘You will ask for me, won’t you?’

He sighed, it was a big sigh. I heard it from the very depth of his lungs. ‘I’ll ask. But don’t expect anything, okay. You think people don’t come in here and ask to move all over all the time?’

I took that as my sign to go. ‘Thank you, Scott.’

I left his office and returned to my desk; I checked my phone. I had another message from Esti.

_This app is great. I can pester you all day now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day, a new record!
> 
> We're coming to an end now, which is sad, but I hope you all understand why it will end where it does.
> 
> Thank you again for your continued support, comments and kudos. You're all fantastic.


	12. The Photoshoot

It had been two and a half weeks since Daniel and I left New York, and with each day that passed the distance between Ronit and I became easier to cope with. Instead of sporadic emails, we texted each other most of every day, and we spoke over the phone at least once; it was usually in the evening, before I went to sleep.

‘I like talking to you when you’re in bed.’ She told me as I lay under the duvet. We were talking a bit later than normal today because she had a long afternoon meeting; she was still sitting at her desk.

‘Why is that?’ I enquired, closing my eyes to imagine she was there in the room with me.

‘The thought of you cuddled up, warm and comfy. It makes me happy.’

‘I wish you were here with me.’

I heard her sigh. ‘I wish I was there too… but… I can’t tell you why whilst I’m at work.’ She laughed softly into my ear.

‘I wish you could.’ I said, stretching out. ‘Has Scott said anything yet… about the job?’ I asked, setting myself up for disappointment.

‘No.’ Ronit sounded defeated. ‘I reminded him today, but he said he was busy. I haven’t had a chance… I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay.’ I lied.

‘If only you could come here.’ She exhaled, I could hear her tapping a pen.

‘But-’

‘No, no. I know, I know. We can’t take Daniel away from Dovid.’

It was an awkward subject. We’d had a slight falling out over it almost immediately after we left, but I knew Ronit was only desperate for something to happen. I understood her argument entirely. I told her I wished I could pick up and leave with Daniel and live in New York with her. I then told her that she could be living in a ruined, old shack in deepest Siberia and I would still want to live with her. She told me to do it; she said, ‘Just pick up and leave’.

‘I can’t Ronit.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because… what about Dovid?’

‘What about him? You said yourself, he barely sees Daniel-’

‘Ronit.’

‘What?’

‘You know that’s not the point.’

She had grumbled some more, but eventually conceded. Now I preferred to avoid the subject altogether, it wasn’t going to help us at all. We had to think of alternative plans. And that’s when she’d mentioned she’d asked her boss about possibly moving to London. I was giddy when she told me. She told me not to be too excited, because it seemed like it would be ‘a big, fat no’, as she put it. I still asked her every time we spoke, but it was getting a bit disheartening now; I could tell Ronit didn’t enjoy talking about it.

‘So, how long are you staying at work tonight?’

‘Not much longer.’ She took a sip of something. ‘Remember, I’m on a shoot all day tomorrow.’

‘Ah yes, no phones.’

‘No phones. A closed set, as it were. It makes me sound very important, doesn’t it?’

I laughed.

‘I will call you before though if you’re free,' she followed up quickly. 'And I’ll try and message you during if I get a chance.’

‘Please do. I’ll miss you.’

‘I’ll miss you too. You’re just going to be at school, aren’t you?’

‘I am. I’m staying a bit late tomorrow.’

‘Oh, how late?’

‘I don’t know, maybe 7? We have Parent’s Evening soon. We have to do so much paperwork for it now. I’m drowning in it.’

‘Not like back in our day.’ Ronit said, chuckling and feigning an elderly voice.

‘No, not at all. It’s all, you know, so much… evidence, proof of teaching the curriculum, test results, quiz results, attendance records.’

‘Doing your bit for the next generation.’

‘I feel as though I’m just being overly bureaucratic, to be honest. A cog in the state school system.’

‘Jesus, Esti. That’s quite a deep thought before bed.’

‘Sorry. Give me something nice to think about instead.’

‘Why don’t you… why don’t you think about me, in between your legs.’

I paused. ‘Aren’t you at work?’

‘The last person just left.’ She said, sounding brave.

‘Oh.’ I said, my hand reflexively moved under the covers and my heart started racing. ‘What… what would you do if you were here?’

‘I would kiss you first, your lips and your neck. Then I’d trail my tongue down your chest, biting and licking… all the way down to your cli-’

‘Yes.’ I gasped, guiding my fore- and middle fingers into a stroking motion. I imagined her warm mouth on my skin, her tongue gliding down, her teeth gently biting me.

‘Esti, are you…?’

‘Yes.’ My phone started to slip out of my hand, which was growing hot and sweaty.

‘Oh, fuck Esti. Fuck.’ Ronit whispered into the phone, I heard the phone shuffle in her hands. Her quiet moans made me even more aroused, and I started to throb all over.

‘Please Ronit,’ I muttered. ‘Tell me what you’d do.’

‘I’d… I’d roll my tongue over your clit; and slide my fingers inside you.’

‘God,’ I panted, thrusting my own fingers inside myself. My heart was racing, I could hear Ronit’s uneven breathing over the line. I imagined her breath on my neck, imagined my fingers were hers.

‘I’d curl my fingers fast… and hard, then slowly…until you were… until you were ready.’

‘Yes,’ I moaned quietly.

‘And just as you were about to come-’

‘Yes, oh Roni-’ It built up, her voice coaxed me ever closer.

‘I’d take your clit; and suck it until you came in my mouth.’

I felt a sudden tenseness around my fingers as I held them inside me and ecstasy cascaded through my entire body. I clenched my jaw shut to stifle the overwhelming urge to cry out; Ronit must have heard though, because I heard her breathing speed up and she let out a yearning sigh.

‘I’m,’ I swallowed the air from my lungs and wiped my fingers on the sheet beneath me. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came-’

‘Don’t be sorry, I – wow,’ she puffed out air. ‘That was… intense.’

‘I can’t wait to be with you again.’ I groaned through deep breaths.

‘I know beautiful, I know.’

Ronit’s voice was so comforting, I knew that if she were here she would be stroking the hair out of my eyes.

‘Go to sleep now, it’s late.’ She said, her voice low and gentle. ‘Dream of me.’

‘I always do.’

We bade each other goodnight, which we would always draw out. The ‘I love you’s’, the ‘I miss you’s’, the ‘talk tomorrow’s’ took almost as long as the phone call.

I propped a pillow behind me and pressed it against my back. It was the only way I could get to sleep these days, and even then I didn’t get quality sleep. I hadn’t slept properly since my last night in New York.

* * *

 

I peeled open my heavy eyelids the next day to the sound of my drilling alarm. I pressed the snooze button and picked up my phone. I had a message from Ronit, which I always read first thing in the morning.

 _I’m in bed now. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I had to take matters into my own hands. I thought about the time we were in the shower, and I_ was _loud this time. I love you xxx_

I felt a rush reading her message.

_I’m awake now, I hope you’re sleeping soundly. And I wish I could have heard you. Xx_

I got out of bed and ran an intentional cold shower. Our shower was rusted and creaky. The pipes clunked loudly whenever the water ran through them; I closed my eyes and pretended I was in Ronit’s bathroom and the sounds of clattering metal around me was builders working on the scaffolding outside her apartment.

‘Daniel?’ I peeked into his small, dark room after I got dressed. ‘Daniel? Time to get up darling.’

He put up a tired fight, but I bribed him with cereal and then he practically dressed himself for nursery.

‘You’re getting dropped to mummy’s school after nursery today, remember. I’m not coming to pick you up.’

‘Yep.’ He said, chocolate milk staining his upper lip.

‘And you’ll come and sit with me in my classroom, yes? I can give you some colouring to do. Does that sound fun?’

‘Ahhh… yes.’

‘Well that’s good! Because it costs extra to use the nursery bus.’ I ruffled his hair and got his raincoat on. The sky was drizzly and grey today; quintessential British weather. But the air had that gorgeous summer smell that I loved, the damp grass and dewy air roused a joyful sadness in me.

Daniel and I played a silly animal game as we took the short stroll to his nursery. He would think of an animal and I would have to guess which one it was, but he often grew confused so it never really worked, but he enjoyed it.

I reminded his teachers about dropping him off and then I kissed him goodbye, but he was already running off towards a group of boys playing by the art table. I continued my journey, hopping onto a double decker bus and riding it until the very last stop, where my school was. The bus was unpleasant; because of the rain and the amount of people on it, the condensation had soaked the windows and fugged the air we were breathing. I was grateful when I finally saw my stop. I inhaled the clean, wet air and walked through the school gates.

It was an acceptable school to work for; Ofsted had rated us a ‘Good’ which the headteacher, Mr Phillips, wore like a Nobel Prize. There was a banner draped across the iron bars at the front that simply read: ‘This is a good school’, which I thought was painfully embarrassing but Mr Phillips was incredibly proud of it.

I walked through the damp playground, grey puddles of water pooling in the uneven dips of tarmac. I felt a dampness in my shoe and realised I had another hole in the sole.

‘Hello Ms Kuperman.’ A pupil skipped past me.

‘Good morning Freddie.’

‘Hi Ms Kuperman.’ Another one.

‘Hello Becca.’

I made my way through into reception where Mrs Taylor, the grey haired, sour secretary sat all day every day. If you asked me what she did other than complain, I wouldn’t know what to tell you.

‘Hello Mrs Tay-’

‘You’re late Esti.’ She growled, forcing a stack of papers into my hands. ‘You’re a substitute today.’

‘Oh,’ I peered at the papers. ‘That’s fine. Which classes-’

‘Mr Ahmad. He’s sick. Very coincidental.’ She had already turned away from me, her salmon pink cardigan stretching over the rolls of her back. We were only four days into the new term; how did she manage to be so unpleasant already?

‘Thank you Mrs Taylor. Oh, Daniel is getting dropped off this evening. Should be around half five, do you think you’ll be here for them to drop him in?’

‘Yes. I’m always bloody here.’ She spat, then slurped at her tea.

‘Brilliant, thank you.’

I left her depressing office with the substitute class tests and made my way to my classroom. A few students had already found their seats so I waited a while more, flicking through the papers. I’d been assigned Mr Ahmad’s Year 6 geography tests on American states. I couldn’t help but roll my finger over the printed coast of America, where the student’s scratchy writing read: New York.

 

It was around 11am when I got a message; I had just started my English lesson. We were working our way through the textbook when I heard my phone buzz in my bag. Ronit would normally text around this time, and I got the same exhilarating feeling as I had done for the past two and a half weeks.

‘Okay, so is everyone clear?’ I asked the quiet pupils, they were quite a timid class which I enjoyed. Some of them nodded, others looked blankly at the text in front of them.

‘If you have any questions, just put your hand up and I’ll come over.’

They shuffled for their pencil cases, pulling their pens and pencils out and started writing. I heard some quiet muttering and then made a quick dash for my bag, pulling my phone out.

_I dreamt about you and Daniel again – we were at the zoo and you fell into the tiger enclosure. I’m getting ready now, it’s going to be a long day so I’ll message you later. Have a good day, don’t work too hard, I love you xxx_

I messaged her back immediately.

_Falling into a tiger enclosure sounds more the sort of thing that you’d do for attention. I love you too, text me when you can. And we can still call later?_

_Tut tut, phones in class Ms Kuperman? We can call later, absolutely. I love you more than words can say xxxxx p.s. I definitely would fall into a tiger enclosure to get your attention._

_I know you would. I love you too, speak soon. Xxxx_

I turned my attention back to the class, none of them had noticed I was on my phone. I tucked it back into my bag and wandered around, helping the children who were struggling.

I moved through the day with each class, including Mr Ahmad’s geography class, constantly checking my phone. I answered questions, laughed and spoke with the students, all with Ronit in the back of my head. She would be on a shoot; I asked her what that entailed one evening when I didn’t want to say goodbye to her, to prolong our conversation.

‘It’s basically a fucking free for all.’ She’d whined. ‘You turn up early while no one else has bothered. The models expect you to physically put them into place, after you’ve already walked them through it, sent them the fucking assignment and concept months ago, and the client always hovers over your shoulder like a gannet saying “ooh that’s a good one”, “keep that one”, “no no, delete that”. Jesus Christ…’ She paused. ‘Of  course, they’re not all like that. I just had a bad one today.’

‘I hadn’t noticed.’ I said.

I wondered what her shoot today would be like. Whether she’d be stressed, or relaxed. If she’d get frustrated and make that gesture she did when she was wound up, where she clamped her palm to her forehead and smiled passive aggressively. I wondered if she’d drink enough water, which I often scolded her for not doing. I wondered if she’d think of me, as much as I was thinking of her.

The end of the day came around quickly, and soon I was in reception greeting Daniel. He came up the two flights of stairs to the classroom with me and sat down in my comfortable chair. He told me all about his day and we ate some sandwiches I’d saved for us for tea.

 I’d printed him out a booklet of colouring in to do while I pored over paperwork, forms and test papers from the past year. It was a new term, which meant reviewing all of the new students’ past work, setting their objectives and predicting their expected grades for the year. The children I was dealing with were nine and ten years old, how was this acceptable? But I slogged away nonetheless. It was nearing 8 o’clock and I started to feel awful that Daniel was still here with me when he should be in bed.

‘Right, are you ready my handsome boy?’

‘I’m tired.’ He said.

‘Oh no, well I’ll carry you home. Is that okay?’

‘On your back?’

‘Hmm… just to the bus stop?’

‘Yeah!’

‘Okay!’ I laughed and packed away my things. ‘What did you colour in?’

‘I did a elephant and flamlingo.’

‘That’s incredible Daniel! Is that his trunk?’

‘No, silly!’ Daniel giggled. ‘That’s his tail!’

‘Well, they’re so beautiful that I am going to put those up on the fridge!’

Artwork on the fridge was a great honour for Daniel, although everything he ever did went on there, he was always absolutely overjoyed every single time. I was just locking my door when my phone buzzed.

_Hello beautiful, are you still at school? I have a surprise for you xx_

I got a few butterflies in my stomach.

_I’m just leaving now. How was your shoot? What’s the surprise? I’m intrigued… Xx_

_The shoot was long, but it's over now. I had it delivered to reception…_

Reception? But no one was at reception, Mrs Taylor was long gone… wasn’t she? I checked the time. It was a quarter to eight. What could Ronit have sent?

‘Come on then Daniel.’ I took his hand and guided him down the stairwell. ‘We just have to pop this way for a moment.’

We walked towards the dark reception office, I peered inside but there was no package, no delivery note, nothing. I screwed up my forehead and pushed on the heavy door release to leave the building. The teachers’ exit, as it was commonly known. I closed it behind me and went to text Ronit again, to tell her I had no idea where any delivery would have gone to, when Daniel yanked his hand from mine and shouted, ‘Ronit!’

‘Daniel, don’t-’ I yelled, but he’d run only a few feet ahead of me. He ran into the arms of someone, someone who made the very air of the night collapse around me and stole the words from my mouth.

I squinted into the orange twilight of the playground, disbelieving entirely what I was seeing. She was stood in front of me, wearing her long coat, her hair tied back, a smile stretching from ear to ear and she held Daniel in her arms.

‘Surprise.’ She uttered.

‘What...? How...?’ I stumbled towards her, my mouth agape. ‘Your shoot…’ I couldn’t speak, my tongue felt swollen and my mouth had parched entirely.

She was laughing, which made Daniel laugh. Was this some sort of fever dream? Was I hallucinating? I took another step towards her and touched her face and Daniel’s face. I put my arms around both of them and felt tears flooding to my eyes. They were real; this was real.

‘So,’ Ronit started speaking, but I could barely hear her over the rush of blood in my ears and the whirring of my brain. ‘It turns out, the London office _really_ wanted me.’

‘But you said...’ I pulled away from her and again touched her face, her lips. I kissed her and made her face wet. ‘Scott said…’

‘Mummy, Ronit’s here!’ Daniel shouted with glee, his voice echoing around the deserted playground.

‘I am here!’ She said facing Daniel, and then she turned back to me. I saw her eyes studying my entire face, she was still grinning. ‘I found out last week, it all happened so quickly. I wanted it to be a surprise.’ She waited a moment, but I stood there dumbfounded. ‘Come on, I have a cab waiting. I’ll tell you everything.’

‘Your,’ my feet were glued to the ground beneath me. ‘Your photoshoot was…’

‘…on a plane.’ She said, still laughing. ‘Are you happy?’

‘Am I happy?’ I repeated her words, swallowing my heartbeat from thudding out of my throat. ‘Yes.’ I said through a sob. ‘Yes, I’m so happy. So happy.’ I hugged her again, my tears dripping onto her shoulder while Daniel babbled to her, speaking about the time he flew on a plane.

‘Come on, my taxi fare is going to be in the thousands.’

She took my cold hand and warmed it, leading me towards a humming cab in the carpark. And all could think of was, if this was somehow real, how well I’d sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I just wanted to say a huge thank you for supporting this fic. It's been an amazing experience, and I've enjoyed writing it and I'm so happy that you have enjoyed reading it.
> 
> Secondly, after some consideration and contemplation, I have decided to continue writing this story. I'm away for two weeks now, but I will resume the fic (as a sequel) after that. I made the decision after I realised that I loved writing it, and if I have your support - why not continue?
> 
> Thank you again, you're all incredible!


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